I have a lot of school work to catch up on.
I have been really sick.
I'm graduating.

And I don't give a shit about a lot of things anymore.

I didn't show up to my office hours for peer advising this week. I didn't show up to do a tour at the art centre either.
I just really don't care anymore.
I am tired of commitments and spreading myself too thin.

Sure it doesn't make me feel great about myself or make me feel fulfilled but really I've reached a breaking point.
There is just so much pressure from different sources that I can take.

It's true, I need to stay postive. make lists.. whatever... but to do that I feel like I have to let certain things slide... I haven't really been impressed with myself this year, I was more on top of things last year. And then again, I had more time on my hands...

But what I have learnt is to remember my limits - I can't do everything I want too. Or atleast not all at once.
my friends have been my best support group (as vim likes to say) and I think I need them all now more than before.

This really is the final stretch of undergrad and I feel like I just need a little encouragement to help push me along. . .


--warning... rant ---

I was really excited to do the docent (tour guide) program at the Agnes Etherington Art Centre on campus this year.. but this term... I just haven't cared that much for it. The woman who runs it is an unappreciative, cold bitch who never shows us much appreciation for all of our work. When I asked her to write a reference letter last week for me she acted like it would be such an inconvenience for her.
I can't stand her and unfortunately this has reflected on my performance in the program.
I'll show up late, or not show up.. and then she will just get more mad at me.
I feel like this has been my first experience with a really bad boss... I had no idea until now how it would reflect on my performance.
Sure, I feel a little guilty because I actually love doing the programs - but I hate the woman in charge.
And I rarely hate people.

--------------

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine on Friday night (actually while doing our stage makeup for dance show) where we confessed to each other our preoccupation with death...
It seems such a taboo for people our age. We will talk about sex so explicitly that that the mystery is taken out of it and yet... no one dare speak of death, be it theirs or anyone's they know.

Ever since I was young, it is something I have thought about, it's implications, it's presence in our lives and the unavoidable nature of our own deaths. I think I've thought more about death than love. Only because I thought love to be even more frightening than death. And yet, it seems like both are unavoidable. I don't think about death because I want to die, just because I have known so many people who have... or so it seems, there always seems to be someone else dying that I know of. And I've been to more frunerals than marriages...

And in thinking about death, I think a lot about time.. yes, it seems I am always late - but strangely I never mean to be... and yet, even if I cherish time I seem to waste a lot of it.



on a completely different note...
I've been avoiding relationships for a while now. They didn't seem worth the time and effort.
Recently I've been feeling the desire for a new one.. not that I know anyone that I want to be with, I just think if I meet the right person I wouldn't brush them off as I have for quite some time - in the past year I've done all that is possible to keep all my "liasons" as casual as possible.
I don't know if I'm sick of the casualness or I've just forgotten about the negative aspects of relationships.

what are you lookin' at?

I have done my stage make up so many times in the past 2 weeks that I have forgotten how to donormal daily makeup.
This weekend there was the Queen's Dance Club recital (4 performances - Thurs, Friday, 2 on Saturday) And Today the Indian Dance Team performed at the Indian Canadian Alliance Hertiage Show. Afterwards I went to A&P and I forgot I had full stage makeup.
Some people looked at me horrified.
Sure, it make me look like a tart, but a pretty one!

Perhaps excessive liquid eyeliner should become a part of my makeup regimen...

A Fine Balance

One of my biggest problems at Queen's has always been to find balance with everything that I do... And I recently this has been slipping. I feel like somone at a buffet dinner who has put too much on their plate and then feel sick after eating too much, and then still has some left on their plate.
I'm beginning to feel constantly drained and this is really a bad feeling. I'm starting to get so nervous that it is hard to fall asleep at night, or even eat properly, because I know I have time for nothing. Even to go to the doctor's now when I am feeling more sick that I have in a long long time.
It's almost the same feeling as going with with too many people at once and always making them feel second place in in your life because you don't have enough time for any of them and you don't know how to choose.
I seem to be disappointing everyone recently.
Especially myself.

A recent correspondence with Mr. T

From: RICHARD TREMBLAY
Subject: Punta Cana
Date: Sun, 19 Mar 2006 17:05:43 -0500 (EST)

Cath : Have arrived. Weather perfect - as expected. Very big resort. Trying to find all the restaurants. Mom and I will go see place on bay of Quinte on the 31st.

Alex: Jim says all is fine . Lots of bars. You woould like the guys on the beach - too bad - your dad.

See you soon


--- and my response, sent today ---


Dear Richard,

Have fun in the sun with your big Tilley hat.

Make sure the boys don't do anything too stupid (ie anything I'd do) and that my mom doesn't run off with someone named Jose or Jesus.

As for Jim and Jan, my guess is that they are being their pleasant selves - so send a "hola" to them from me.

I'm stuck in Kingston in the cold and with a cold. Tell my dad I much rather be on the beach with the eye candy on the beach he spoke of.

Be careful not to drink to many mojitos, those things really do hit you faster than you might think.

Adios,
Alex


(If I am going to be left out of a tropical family vacation, then I have the licence to send such emails.
PS. I totally love my dad for telling richard to write that)

zzzzzzz....

so tired i am now skipping class that starts at 230pm!

ode to my beloved ring

If any of you are at all perceptive, you might have noticed that I've worn a small blue ring on my right middle finger for about the past year and a half...
And yesterday it broke in the most unlikely fashion, I didn't even see it coming... One minute it was there and then the next part of it had broken off (mind you I had just done a kartwheel) but really, it has been through worse. You wear something for so long, it becomes part and you and then *bam* it's broken.
The worst was when I took it off... being the cheap 2$ chinatown ring that it was it SLICED ALL ALONG MY FINGER! what kind of ring does that to you after you ditifully wear it will every type of outfit, if it matches or not. The damn thing made me bleed, and I took it to Europe! And now it even hurts to bend my finger. Is that all it will leave me with? The phantom feeling of a ring a a massive paper-like cut alll the way along my right middle finger.
I even wondered where it was when I was in the shower and none of my hair got caught in it...
And I find myself with nothing to keep my hands busy...

Oh, my cheap-but-lovely-chinatown ring, I shall miss you... I feel like a part of me broke when you broke too... I won't be able to even think of trying to get another ring for sometime now.. I will cherish all the times we have had together.

*tear*

more time wasting fun

here are two wonderful links only to use if you wish to waste away a few minutes of your precious life.

http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/wonders_of_email.shtml


http://www.ryantown.com/gayboyfriend/

enjoy!

just dance...

When I joined the Indian Dance Team I had no idea that it would entail 12 hour practices on Sundays and then 4 hour daily practices the week before the competition.
My body has gotten past the point of being in pain and now I seem to have reached a new level of atheleticism.. or endurance... I don't know, but overall I feel great. Even if it looks like I limp when I walk, I'm fine, really...
In my ideal world, I would dance every day.. and perform! Fuck Art history I should have taken Drama.

It baffles a few of my friends that I don't get nervous with public speaking/performing, and only get ridiculously nervous at exams... because you can't really talk your way out of those.

Anyways.. back to dance.
the SAA show is this Saturday at the Hershey Centre.
And my family is coming, they will be surrounded in a sea of brown faces!

(also when I first looked up SAA, South Asian Alliance, on the internet I got Sex Addicts Anonymous... oh the internet)



---
on a random note,
would you all mock me if I bought Madonna's new CD?

Ok, so you know that strange feeling when all your friends think someone is really really hot but you just don't see it?
Well I feel that way about James Blunt's voice. Really, the song "Beautiful" or whatever, it gets on my nerves. His voice irks me.
And a lot of people seem to think he is good looking.
I don't get it.

Then again, i can criticize all I want, but I don't have a hit song or cd...




.. on another note...
I really am not a fan of my housemates. so I didn't chose to live with the people who are in my house... it is a house divided in apartments. With one thermometer. And our apartment is colder than the others. so we turn up the temp to about 22-23. They then turn it down to about 15.

It was a silent war until about today.

When I was confronted by my downstairs neighbour, by msn. yup, that's right. msn. his girlfriend is living with them and they have parties and play music late at night. they're weird and i don't like them.

and because it hasbeen realised what is going on - us turning it up, and those cheap asses turning it down... they confronted me about natalia and i having to pay for all the extra oil that has been consumed to keep the house at a normal temperature.

Ugh.

Really, those are the guys who have almost been evicted 3 times. So if I get the landlord into it... well then problem solved in my favour, eh?

Some people canbe so cheap.
shessh. don't go to the bars for one night and you'll be able to pay your bills. i swear.

some of my favorite recent quotes:


"sometimes i feel like a gay man stuck in a woman's body, but I am happy to be here" - me

"lip gloss... it is like she is painting on a welcome mat" - life as we know it


Also, I think that hooking up with people that were once with people with strange fetishes is so weird.
So I made myself cookies at 4 in the morning.

1/7 of your life is spent on Mondays

I don't do Monday mornings.

double feature? or double failure!

Yeah so my double booking fell through.
Honestly I wasn't in the mood to see either of them as I have to be at dance practice by 9 am tomorrow morning. But even if I didn't want to see them doesn't mean that I didn't want a call to meet up as was planned.
Who calls to confirm that they will call the next day and then doesn't call?
And who messages you twice times that day to confirm that you can meet up with them that night and then they don't call?

WHO WHO?!

oh, that is right.
A and S.
I bet they both feel asleep with thoughts of my fabulousness in their minds. Perhaps they will awake at 3am dazed and confused to why they are such non-calling-charming-alex-fuckwits. Or they forgot completely.

Otherwise I had an amazingly pleasant evening sans stupid garcons. Went to the "Ultimate Dinner" organised by Kent, where a wide array of friends showed up to Curry Original for a fun filled evening of good Indian Food. Marie and I even had a camera face off by stealing each other's cameras and seeing who could make the best pictures. We are such dorks but we have so much fun. At the Brass we all felt out of place due to the semi formal attire requested by crazy Kent - so instead we went to Bubble Tea. Where we fell upon a Chinese sports magasine with pornographic pictures of a Chinese figure skater, and pics of a guy's head between her naked legs with the label "intense training makes her more sensitive to her boyfriend's touch" !! haha.
What a good time.
Also as it is exclusively tfsers who read this thing.. interestingly my friend's boyfriend's friend was visiting from Western. And his girlfriend lives with Sabrina. Yeah, so we gossiped it was amusing for both of us because we held the same opinion of her and we were initially trying to be polite about it.

So I was right, I am going to bed alone. But at 2am not at midnight... not too far off!
AH! Dance practice tomorrow at 9am!

Ok so I am double booked for tonight.

I've decided I'll hang out with/get drink/bring home whichever one I am in the mood for.

Why wasn't this last night! I have to be up early tomorrow morning. argh.

I feel like I am seeing both Seth and Ryan (from the OC) at the same time.. actually that is a good way to describe them.

Watch neither of them call.

I'll be home alone in bed by midnight.

Funniest thing I have read in a while:

Girl: For lent, I'm giving up chocolate and Facebook.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/004635.html