Turns out feminism *isn't* part of my DNA

I've told many of you that when I was younger that my mother was convinced I was a lesbian (mostly due to my tendency to quasi-feminist/ anti-white man rants). Remarkably, she even told me recently that if a woman wants to "get a man" she should learn to be less dominating and more giving in any relationship, otherwise it might not work. I agree with this statement partially, I think that for any relationship to work in the long term requires both parites to compromise in some way( hopefully not in their beliefs, jobs, or personalities... unless according to my mom that they are "too dominating"), and give in to their relationship. Ok, so I am an idealists when it comes to relationships. I supose it explains in a way, why I am still single.

Ah singlehood. It'd great now bc it seems to many of my friends are, so I am no longer dumped by friends to spend time with their boyfriends! :)
Anyways, an even bigger difference between myself and my mother is how I react, and she reacted to inappropriate behaviour.

Exhibit A:
When she was my age a man in her workplace snaped her bra and said "Oh! You are wearing a bra today!" In this situation, she didn't know what to say.

What I would have done:
a. Punched him in the face
b. Punched him in the nuts
c. Laughed and then slap him in the face with a harassement suit
d. Probably all or one of the above.

I tend to be violent and/or agressive in face of sexual harassement. But I do try to recognise the difference between a joke and crossing the line. If a close male friend snaped my bra, I might laugh... but otherwise I would view it as an offensive act that necesisated a strong response.

.... Is that so wrong?
I don't think so.

"I wish I was a little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller,
I wish I had a girl so
I could call her... "

And I...

wish I was a little bit tougher,

that my skin was a little bit thicker,

So when I am hurt I don't want to

hollar...

Jealousy...
For me, it's a toxic feeling that overcomes me and I can't control. It brings out the worst in me, and I hate myself for it.
Is it a vice? Why yes.
I try not to covet that which belongs to others, or what others posess (atleast most of the time). I am usually never jealous while in a relationship but I am terribly jealous afterward... and many of those who I know who aren't jealous afterwards don't have a good imagination (haha, kidding), didn't really care or moved on pretty damn fast!
Then again, I think it is somewhat normal to feel jealous for a short period after the end of a relationship/whateverness that was never titled! So that means that you are allowed to be rightly pissed if they show a lack of respect to you by hooking up with someone else shortly after you kicked them/they kicked you to the curb. Or one of your friends thinks that it is their turn.

Anyway, this was brought on by a post by smallfat that made think about it.

As for other things that I am jealous of : success. Mostly in a professional and academic sense. But that, is a lot harder to pin point and compare, so I'm not even going to bother.

self induced AA

I went out Saturday night and I had fun, but there were a few things that made me miss living close to the bars, and going to bars with people my own age (ie I am going to pass on another other evening where the festivities are at a 25+ club, bc drunks guys of all ages are lame!)

For those of you who know me well, I like to drink at times, but I hate the idea of getting completely plastered until you have a deadly hangover the next morning. I refuse to glump down expensive and exquisite martinis, it's like going to North 44 just to eat your dinner standing up in less than 5 minutes. Really good martinis should be enjoyed, not slurped up in an attempt to consume as much booze as possible. If that is your aim, just get straight shorts of vodka, it's cheaper and faster.

The reason for my martini rant is due to my viewing too many people do just that in the name of getting drunk. My response was to retaliate by not drinking excessively, and strangely I was criticised for doing just that. Supposidly I wasn't being "crazy" enough or whatever. I was tired and wanted to have enough wits to push away dim witted fools try to put their tongues down my throat. (yes, it did happen, and i asked him if he wanted a piece of gum because he had really bad breath)

What is so wrong about wanting to go (somewhat) sober?
I don't get it.

Forget-him-not. Forget-him-never.

I was rereading the first post from yesterday and realised I forgot two people who are very important to me: Vimla and Jamie (Ottawa BFF).
Back when I started going to TFS in grade 5, Vimla was one of the only people who cared to reach out. Kids can be evil and cold, and young adults can be jaded and judgemental... but Vimla is neither. I recently spoke to her about something I wasn't proud about, and she wasn't condesending, she was thoughtful about the situation in a way that I think is rare at our age. Oh, and she can party like it's 1999 on a Tuesday at 9, so that helps too!
Jamie saved me from a lonely and boring summer while I was in Ottawa - it's amazing how just making one friend can lead to an amazing 3 months and and many continuing friendships. She was probably the best "host" that anyone could have in a new city and I was never bored or without plans. And because good friends are such a rare find, I can't wait till she comes to the city!

In the same note of recognition and appreciation, I feel it is appropriate to mention that today is the 10 year anniversary of my grandpa Claude's death. I am aware that I muse maybe a bit too much over death and dying, but Claude's death was probably one of the worst ones that I have ever had to endure. It changed everything. I have always been close to my mother's parents and they filled the roles that non-existant (or non-participating) family members could have, so as a young child I never felt that our small family lacked anyone, or any love.
What was the worst was how I saw that it affected my parents and my grandmother. I saw my parents slow down a little, I watched my grandmother become less active and lose the desire to cook or do the things she loved.
And even if I have become aware in these past 10 years that perhaps he wasn't the person I thought he was when I was 11 years old, my memories of him have not been damaged. I loved him very much, and still do, no matter what his past faults or mistakes were, it is undenyable that he was a wonderful grandfather.

I think we are all haunted by those we loved... I sometimes still think I see him in store windows for a second, walking by, only to realise it was merely an old man with white hair and blue eyes. I am haunted in the same way by friends I love and miss. You think you see them for a second, but it is only a trick of your mind, as a way to remind you that they still loiter in your thoughts; a way to remind you to call them if that is possible.

I did something today that is very fitting to Claude's memory: my carpentry class is on Mondays. When I was 5, I "helped" Claude make me a stool so I could reach the counter top. He gave me a red kid's hammer. I stil have the hammer and the stool.

confessions of a pop culture whore

Being unemployed has it perks. I read the newspaper as long as I want too. I can watch all the TV shows that I want, and keep track off all my fave blogs. That is besides work periodically, go to the gym and apply for other jobs.

TV shows I actually watch with remarkable regularity:

Sundays:

8pm - Amazing Race : my parents are huge fans of this show. they love travel, and the show goes to more 'adventurous' places that my otherwise resort bred parents wouldn't dare dream of going. and last canada day, we even ran into last season's winners (the hippies for anyone who knows what i am talking about!)

9pm - Desperate Housewives : I don't know what got me into it this season... but I just loove the drama.

Mondays:

Although I have carpentry class, TVR records the following shows which i watch either that night, or later on in the week.

9pm - Dexter: It plays on The Movie Network here in Canada and on Showtime in the States. Michael C.Hall has been one of my fave actors since he was in Six Feet Under... Dexter makes me feel normal.

10pm - Project Runway: This show has inpired me to learn how to sew. The cattyness between designers is kind of silly, and if any one hasn't noticed Heidi Klum recites the same 3 lines every show. Tim Gunn is the real gem here. I hope this show will "carry on" for many more seasons of funny fiery fashion.

Tuesdays/Wednesdays:

I forget if House or Lost is on Tues or Wed, and I know they have a very loyal following, but I never got into Lost, and House I watch occassionally if I am knitting and sitting with my parents. (Yes, I actually knit!)

Oh! But I have caught 30 Rock on occassion and it is *really* good, but it is going to be harder to follow once it moves too...

Thursdays:
I am a total TV WHORE on Thursdays.

8 pm - Ugly Betty : America Ferrara is my hero. Her character looked like me when I was 14 (except I was skinny like the Amanda character... now i am closer to Betty's roundness). It's cheesy TV that makes you feel the good guy will always win, and it's executive producer is the uber hot Salma Hayek, with Vanessa Williams playing a woman clinging onto her youth and attempting to scheam her way into being editor-in-chief of fictional "Mode" magasine. And beneath the cutesy veneer there seems to be a more serious commentary being played out by the funny sterotypes.

9 pm - Grey's Anatomy: I don't know *why* but yes, I love Grey's. It's highly addictive and I hate it miss an episode. I wonder if it is like our generation's ER with less blood?

10pm - Six Degrees: Ok, so this isn't the best show *ever* but I have somehow managed to watch all of the episodes so far.

Obviously, I don't go out on Thursdays (ps. how sad is taht?? hahaha.)

That makes 7 hours of TV a week!! shitters that is a lot!! Then again, I most definitely waste more time on the internet per week. Now, how do I manage that?

MSN is more addictive that ever... no one seems to call anyone else anymore. I kind of find sitting at my computer and typing (when it isn't work) relaxing... I'm trying to cut down, but is it really all that bad?

And ofcourse, I love to read all of your blogs! It seems like we have all gotten less frequent in our blogging, but that is acceptable - it IS November. However that happenned! haha.

Other blogs I read to pass the time:

www.pinkisthenewblog.com
www.facebook.com
www.gofugyourself.com
www.perezhilton.com
www.pajiba.com
www.overheardinnewyork.com
www.virginitymonologues.blogspot.com (I don't know why! someone sent it to me a looong time ago... well, when she was still a virgin and it is too funny to watch her spiral into someone else)
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ (thanks Shrad!)
and there is always www.youtube.com for fun (ie : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV3ncKB8a4s, thanks to Claire)


Real high brow, eh?

And then there are my work related sites that I check like a mad woman like (www.chin.gc.ca , www.akimbo.biz , www.workinculture.com , and ofcourse www.rom.on.ca , www.ago.net etc...)


Perhaps this shows that I should just get off my lazy ass and DO something... but acording to my research (ie reading my fave column in the Globe and Mail Style section of last weekend), culture IS everything. Even if it is cyclical pop culture. (sadly Leah McLaren's article from October 28th which ended with the question "What would Trent Reznor do?" is unavaliable online without registration booooo. But this shows even *more* what me and the Globe's version of Carrie Bradshaw and I have in common, we both once lusted after Trent Reznor. Ok, well I still do at times... so maybe that nullifies any comparison, plus I don't even have blond hair, or a country house so that ends it.)

Even if I don't end up with a cool job and merely follow my brother's advice to "marry rich!", then I will be the girl with a water cooler type banter prepared for every soiree. And if they don't dig "Grey's Anatomy" then I will have something prepared to say from The New York Times' Style, Travel or Entertainment section, just like Emily Gilmore says to do. And yes, I actually read the Sunday New York Times. And the Globe. And the Toronto Star. I probably am doing as much reading as I did in university.

Now I am going to go read Alexandre McCall Smith's latest, The Right Attitude to Rain, before I give my poor little head a rest.

I haven't blogged in a while because I couldn't think of anythign worth blogging about.

Althought I am someone who greatly appreciates spending time alone, withdrawing myself from the constant pressure to interact with others, I do not enjoy feeling lonely either. I doubt anyone does. Those whose company I enjoy most, are friends who I feel no need to impress. To them, it doesn't matter if I am unemployed and living at home, they still like me and like to spend time with me. I also like them because I have no role to fill with them to be the funny one, the cute one or whoever some superficial acqaintances take me to be.
It seems as though those who are most valuable to me are slowly moving away from Toronto. Alex S is now in New York, Claire is moving to South Africa for a few months, Cat is in Scotland for the year, Alykhan is in DC somewhat indefinitely (so I am more used to him being away) while countless others are just too busy with school and work (shrad, emilie, majid...)
This doesn't mean that I am feeling lonely, but now living at home, I miss being subjected to ever changing company. Something I dread more than being lonely is monotony (and mediocrity, but that is another issue by itself). And althought I am extremely happy to no longer be at Queen's, I miss the proximity to a few of my favorite people that it provided. Going out wasn't an ordeal, it could be spontaneous. Hanging out wasn't something you planned hours before either.

And now, my constant company is my mother. I suppose it is a good trade. Lossing contact with all those who I never really cared for anyway, and then gaining someone who pays for a lot of stuff, makes me food and does my laundry. Yeah, pretty awesome eh? But I should mention that she likes to talk. . . a lot? And I'm in serious trouble if I don't feel like talking when she feels like talking.


I miss my condo in Ottawa. It was peaceful and beautiful there. And I had a job.