you say hello, and i never say goodbye...

Yesterday, I moved out of my little apartment on King St. East in Kingston, marking an end of undergrad. It also marks the end of complete freedom and independence as I have now moved back into my parent's house in North York.

The move has proved to be relatively anti-climatic. I wasn't so emotional about leaving, almost relieved. Walking around campus the last few days, I felt the same way as I did at the end of level 5 - that it was time to move on, and there was really no reason to feel sad. Sure, I'll miss my favorite people, but I'm not too concerned as I know I'll see them all again soon as many people have planned to move to Toronto. And for the rest of them - Toronto is only 2 hours away from Kingston, how much easier can it get?

This is not at all how I felt leaving France last year. It was choatic, I was alone, and both very sad and very happy. I was fine until I was on the plane half way to Toronto, and then I started bawling loudly, in the middle of the plane. Alone on a plane realising I was leaving one of the happiest times of my life. The stewardess and everyone stared at me for a bit and handed me kleenex hoping I'd just shut the fuck up, because a crying adult on a plane is more annoying than a crying baby.

So this not how things happenned this time around. And when my mom started the "you're going to have to be more of an adult now that undergrad is over and you are 21" speech I did the mature thing and zoned out.

I did something else that made me question my maturity - I completely avoided saying goodbye to everyone. Because I don't like saying goodbye, and I don't think it is selfish to do so... it's avoiding unnecessary drama. I perfer saying "see you soon". And when I am drunk, I end up kissing everyone on the mouth saying how much I will miss them (well atleast I did in France).
And sometimes I cry when saying goodbye - worst one was probably when Jane was leaving Canada and going back to England...
But ultimately I am not a fan of saying goodbye, it seems too final and mostly unnecessary in our age of communication.

Late night at library + booty call = great night

that is all.

how to dig yourself into a shit hole, part 1

Ok, as past posts have revealed I wasn't very good at organising myself this term.

Still catching up on everything I am supposed to do this term.
Fun times in the library.

Fuck, I miss France.

Ok, so I studied in the medical sciences library, big fucking deal.
One arts student surrounded by med students and med student wannabees.

Now, what seems to be happenning to my lovely art library? Oh, right, it's being taken over by the science kids.
You guys have buildings to yourselves. go there. stop stressing me out with your orgo textbooks, you don't belong here!

No art history kids in the art library. nope. because the science kids invaded and set up shop.
those jerks.

music and memory part deux

Study that related music and memory in the elderly with demetia:
http://qnc.queensu.ca/story_loader.php?id=43e3b95db4b63

Yeah, so make me listen to songs of my youth once I'm old and I'll get to relive my memories alll over again.
even if they will have been changed by time and perception, they'll still be there.. somewhere.

"I could use a man, a drink or a massage. Or a drunk massage from a man" - Sarah Oh on Grey's Anatomy.

Yes, exactly.

Who knew the library could be this stressful?

Politically Incorrect with a.cherry

A line from my essay (a book review of Kedouri's Nationalism)

"Herder’s poem ‘To the Germans’ ressembles the sentiments that a Quebecer language officer might have for presence of the English language in his province"

Note that a line from Herder's poem is :“Spew out the ugly slime of the Seine"

I showed this to Kent and he claimed that it was ok, but bordered on politically incorrect. I disagree. I think it's perfectly acceptable.

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Does anyone miss the show "Politically Incorrect with Bill Mahr"?
I do.

false alarms?

I mentioned something in a past post about being more hopeful 4 years ago than I am now. I hope this doesn't mean that I am jaded in anyway - it seems too stereotypical to be jaded in your 20s. One thing I have noticed as a change in my age group over the past four years:
people haver become more willing to open up and become friends with different types of people that they might not have considered to in high school.
A perfect example of this is my friend Kent (who I met this year). It's really hard to do Kent justice when describing him - but everyone understands the way I describe him once they meet him. Here's a try: Kent only moved to Canada (from Hong Kong) when he was 12, so he still has a bit of an accent but it's charming really. He's a short asian guy who somehow exudes authority (kind of like a chinese Napolean with a sense of humour) and says extremely offensive things but they end up being funny. For example: He went up to my friend Marie last year and told her "we went to high school together but I didn't talk to you because I used to hate white people". Good one Kent.
now they are good friends.
and I am also friend with Kent even if he tells me things like "Art history is history for girls, go get a real degree".

anyways...
what i am trying to say that it seems that by university the supposid "cliques" of high school or whatever have broken down and no one really gives a shit if you are a jock, a nerd, a spoit brat, or a slut. Or all of the above.
Unless you go to Queen's then there is the AMS clique.
I find that at our age we seem to genuinely care for our friends, by creating a secondary family nucleus with a group, or many groups.

Where I see people my age getting lazy is when it comes to dating and relationships. This is an area where I see too many people have become jaded. Many people seem to avoid complication by "getting attached" or "getting emotionally involved" and "keeping it simple" by casually dating and well, just fucking around.
Ok, so I am part of this category. I am lazy too. Sometimes I really don't care and I'm sick of holding my extra pillow to cuddle with.
But the saddest consequence to all this laziness are the "emotional false alarms". Maybe it is just a girl thing... I don't know..
But you know that feeling when you meet someone, you chat for a while, and you think "I'd like to get to know them better" and you do and well... you lose interest becuase they don't seem to be trying at all to get to know you? Or, they are like you and just, well, lazy. And you might have had a few good dates/naked sleep over parties.. but then you just get busy?

I call them emotional false alarms caused by laziness.

Then again, if you like them doens't always mean you have to date them... they can just become part of your big group of friends.. along with all the nerds/jocks/spoilt brats... except they will forever be in the slut category.

wake me up when september comes? or not.

Here is what I am not looking forward to once I graduate: la rentree. That week in September when all everyone talks about is going back to school, all the ads on tv are about school supplies and there are signs everywhere that read "going back to school (sale)".
For the first time since I was 3, I will no longer be part of that demographic.
There will be no need to buy virgin notebooks, unused pens and convince myself that 'this year' I will do better, I will be more organised, I will be as smart on paper as I look.
This will summer, will most probably be my last "summer holiday", unless I eventually become a teacher or go live in Europe and indulge in a yearly 7 week vacation.
In September I will get a brisk kick in the ass from reality. What could be more unsettling than breaking with 18 years of the same routine?
I think I'll only realise in September that now I have to somehow be an adult, or atleast responsible, achieve something. Atleast before my 5 year high school reunion the next spring.

people i want to strangle.

"It's too sunny"
someone said this in the Common Ground today. ( Common Ground is the student run coffee/sandwhich place wherea few students, including myself attempt to study when the library is too full of posers.)
IT ISN'T TOO SUNNY!!! It's the most pleasant time of the year!!! What is wrong with this person - do they miss thechilling month of December, the deep freeze of January, the Depressing grey of Februrary? The moody tease that isMarch? I sure don't. April is lovely - rain, but not too much, warm breeze on some days without the sticky feelingof July. You're only allowed to say it is too sunny after having a second degree burn on your back and it's early July and you can't wear a bra anymore. Or if you have sun stroke. Only then.

I live in a generation of professional whiners.

Growing up...

So I'm at home for the easter weekend...

It's Easter Sunday, so this morning we all went to church.

Now it's almost 330pm and I'm at home alone supposed to be doing school work. Yup, I have an essay due tomorrow.

Ok. not the point of why I am writtin this...
So a while ago I asked my mom why she never bought cd's or really listened to music. Being my mother she gave me a curious response - that she hated listening to music once it was outdated because she attached too many memories to certain songs and that is precisely why she hates music from the 70s. Alright, so we all attach music and memories, but to the point of avoiding certain types of music and saying that CDs are a waste of money?

I picked up an old CD (The Strokes' 2002 This is it) because my newer ones are all back in Kingston.
I haven't listened to this cd in so long.. I mean a really long time, so I have no idea what made me want to put it in the CD player. And my reaction is almost as emotional as my mother's... well atleast for the first song. This CD reminds me of the end of high school. Last term at TFS actually.. of what I did then, my friends and what we did and other things ofcourse. And now here I am, at the end of university... things have changed but not nearly as much as I thought they would. Here I am again, listening to the same CD in my parents house - thinking of what I will do when I grow up, thinking of boys, of school...
I strangely remember being so hopeful back then. About what I'm not so sure, perhaps for change, for life.

Unlike my mother I kind of like this. my very own retro flashback. to 2002, which really wasn't so long ago.

In Hiding

I found a place to study where I don't know a soul.
The basement of the Medical sciences library isn't the most comfortable place to study but it is well secluded and damn quiet.
This is my method to not fail my exam on Saturday (Math). I failed it in second year and am now having to do it again. I am not so ashamed of failing as I am ashamed for not having put in enough time this year to get a good mark. I'm borderline again... aaah! why do I do this to myself?

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The people are quite differnt here in the medical sciences library. So far, I am rather fond of all of them. They don't stop and chat for 20 mins and in general people are quiet.
The other interesting aspect is that the library is attached to the Hospital building (or atleast one of them). So during my lunch break today I met a very pleasant woman who works for Roche.. we discussed getting a job after grad and how to find a balanced way of life... At 30 she seemed relatively happy with the state of things and she still looked good (pretty, put together etc..) and I almost wondered outloud how I'd be doing once I reached her stage in life (I resisted saying 30) - and she told me to do everything that I wanted to do now and so I wouldn;t regret anything once I reached her age, and then she said 30. And then she opened up to mea bout what she regreted having not done...
And then I went back to study math.
Like I should now.

School's out!

Here is what made me realise that I am done school here : I have no more classes to skip.
Such wonderful logic. It will get me places I am sure.

Today I am actually studying (ie catching up on late work and assignments). How am I achieving this? Well, I have discovered a wonderful place today : the medical sciences library. It is closer to my house than Stauffer (the main campus library), I don't know anyone here, it is quieter and has a nice view.

Yesterday I didn't even get a library.. somehow i wasted a lot of time at home until I had a dinner party to go to at 8. Perhaps that was due to the fact that I woke up early (830!) after having been respectably smashed the night before and got home at 3am. I went out for a lovely brunch by myself (because no one I knew was awake except for Cat and Natalia, both who punked out of it on me) at a time warp called Morrison's. I sat there with my Saturday Globe and ate my bacon, eggs and toast. It was absolutely lovely.