the guilty visitation

My Grandmother's sister died yesterday. That would make her my great-aunt, my mother's aunt, and my godmother's mother.

In a strange way I was almost waiting for someone to die, it had been a year since someone I knew died and well, that is a long time for me to go without an invitation to a fruneral. At 21, I've been to more frunerals than weddings, which isn't such a bad thing. I have what some people might call a morbid fascination with frunerals. I think how people act when they are at one reveals more about their character than when they are at weddings. What is more appropriate - saying you are sorry for their loss? giving them a hug? Unlike at weddings, not everything goes. You have to be able to read the grieving person to see even if it is appropriate to say anything. And then there is the question of being sincere. It's expected to be fake at a wedding, yet if you are at a fruneral, everyone wants to kick your ass. If I ever get serious about a guy and want to see if he'd fit in my family, I'll bring him to a fruneral instead of a wedding. It's more likely that someone I'm related too will die anyways.

Right, so back to Tante Beatrice.
I'll be honest, I never liked her much. I can't avoid this visitation (tomorrow) or fruneral (friday) because it is in Ottawa. Last night I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty because I realised I didn't feel bad at all that she was dead. It didn't affect me and most of what I knew about her was negative anyways. I felt so guilty that I called my Grandma Tess at 1 am (she stays up very late) and asked her how she was doing. We stayed on the phone until about 2:30am. I felt slightly better after hearing a few positive (yet rare) stories about her sister. How are we supposed to react to someone dying that we never really liked? I didn't really expect this overwhelming guilt, but maybe it stems from the fear of being completely indifferent about someone's death. Or maybe I'm terrified because now Tess is the eldest of her siblings who are still alive?

I phoned my mom today to check when she is coming in tomorrow etc.. and I told her about how I felt and she reassured me that she kind of felt the same way. She even laughed when I said " When an asshole is dead, I guess he's just a dead asshole ". I guess I have no reason to worry about having never cared much for someone and now are dead, because there isn't much I can do about it now.

It is much too fitting that I have been renting "Six Feet Under" recently.