ok so I have my MATH 121 (dec) exam to write on Monday - because I had to deferred from last term. That means that I have been spending the weekend in a ghost town ie Ktown while most people have gone home for reading week already. no, I am not pissed about it. I cherish completely alone time. What makes it better is that my downstairs neighbours are gone too - so it's been quiet. I've been alone in the apartment since Wednesday morning... and I really haven't minded being alone this time. Last time it was in decemeber during a bad part of my then depression, where being alone didn't foster anything positive. It is strange to think back at how upset and down I was at that time... and a lot of people didn't really notice how bad it was. well, I didn't really tell many people either. It is strange to look back at the changes in yourself and how fast they can occur - I guess now I am just more myself than I was last term. It's like regaining control, and lossing it is such a frantic scary feeling.
Being alone allows for a certain level of introspection which you can otherwise be denied. I've only understood recently why people might rent cottages in the middle of no where to go by themselves. The luxury of solitude.
Back to this weekend... anyway I mostly slept away Friday and part of Saturday... it was like I was hibernating... so exhausted after these past 6 weeks, in such a good way. Kind of like how you feel after a good workout.
But it also took me those 2 days to really wake up... to what I am not sure.. Yes I had two largely lethargic days but what really made me get busy late today was when I asked myself the question "what would my 16 year old self think of my 21 year old self?" That kind of worked as a kick in the ass.. just to do things.. so i've done mundane things like clean the apartment, put pics up, finish my wash, clean my room.. and somehow i've never felt so productive. I feel like I owe myself something... like I have to live up to who I had wanted to be, as successful as I wanted to be... I won't write out my entire internal dialogue but mostly it acted as me realising that I have come a long way and still have room for improvement, I felt like I was doing a self-evaluation of how I was living my life. In some areas I have surprised myself and other parts I need to refind, to rebuild and rework. Such as discipline and determination. I never let things slide before.. I seem to now a bit more and I don't like it..
so I did those things I ahve wanted to do for a while.. like put up pictures, calendars, set up my comp...
and now i feel great.

plan for tomorrow is to work and study and have time to watch grey's anatomy. that is my goal. let's hope I stick to it!