Sorry I'm late, you know how hard it is to get away from a good spoon.

Rehab baby, one more time

2007-02-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

It's going to be Lent soon. Props go out to Lindsay and Britney to try and give up the booze! (and special white powder).

I'm not a hard partying starlet, so I have a different list of things I'm considering to give up.
Here is the short list and a few reasons:

Tech:
Giving up all gossip websites (cause they are a waste of time and are taking over my brainspace - EXAMPLE ABOVE) except for Pinkisthenewblog (why? cause it is only updated once a day, has a somewhat positive spin, and the auteur is a massive NIN fan)

Giving up superfluous msn usage or atleast limiting msn time usage (so I waste less time). And by limit it, I mean only really talk to ppl who don't live in the same area code.

Giving up facebook. That's right. It'll hurt more than msn.

Food:
Giving up chips and fries. this will be harder than it seems. it will probably allow my body to be bikini ready tho!
(giving up chocolate is TOO cliche!)

otherwise:
Give up bad dating habits. (HAHAHHAH how the F does that happen? still, I think it is a worthwhile thing to give up!)

Yeah, I think it'd be a good test to my will power.
And my sanity.

2007-02-18T00:15:00.000-08:00

I should also add that I got my first parking infraction fee today.
Yup, 30 big ones.
I had no idea - I SWEAR THERE WERE NO SIGNS THAT MADE ME THINK I NEEDED A PERMIT!!! argh.

I am totally starting to feel like a grown up.

Oh.... and funny thing about the Dutch: cubicles are illegal (that is right, it is a worker's right to have their own space and their own window). Funny thing #2: All taxi drivers haver Mercedes.. something to do with equality in working conditions.

2007-02-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

So this while kafuffle of asking out/getting numbers/exchanging emails resulted in a 7 hour marathon date today after work.
SEVEN FREAKING HOURS AND I DON'T EVER HAVE ANY REAL GOSSIP!!!
shessh.

Atleast this guy isn't a loser (ie highly educated, not TOO old, let me pay for some things and was overall nice) but I do think he was scared by my never dying death cough! So that meant no goodnight kiss for me. Even if I drove him home! (and yes, that was my first time doing that!)

2007-02-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ottawa was awesome.
Great weekend, although now I a little sore all over because of all the skating.
Although TO is amazing, I wouldn't mind moving back to Ottawa... so I was proactive about this and for the twenty minute break I had at work, I printed new job descriptions that I am somewhat qualified for!!

Btw, just want to note this: I'm tyring my best to get rid of people in my life that are full of shit. It's proving a lot harder than I thought.

2007-02-01T20:41:00.000-08:00

I've been working for a month and now I am going to take a 3 day vacation and go to Ottawa! I am so excited!

Ugh.. how am I going to live like a normal person and stay in one place for long periods of time?
I constantly need entertainment/something new/something exciting.
I refuse to say I have an "itch" for it, cause really, that just sounds dirty and like crush boy gave me the cooties.

2007-01-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ever talked to someone you like and then get super awkward?
As in, you don't know what to do with your arms and keep repositioning them and your nervousness gets worse and absolutely obvious?
Yeah.
Totally felt like a 14 year old girl Saturday afternoon.
Ugh.

i'm comfortable. maybe a little too much so. but'm ok with that.

2007-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

Before doing time in Kingston, I thought one of the greatest shames for a university graduate was to move back home after undergrad.

Well here I am. And I'm in no rush to leave.

Do I feel shame? Nope.

Instead I feel extremely practical. And happy. Beyond the financial benefits, I'm living in a great house, with two people who actually care about me (enough to wash their own dishes, not make noise after a certain hour, and the best of all - to do most of my laundry). There is nothing like living with someone who will pick you up from the subway at 10:30 pm, after work, and another someone who makes romantic candle-lit dinners on an almost-daily basis.

This ideal living situation won't last forever. Maybe I'll get a boyfriend and we will all start bickering again, maybe they will get sick of me or maybe I'll get a new job and enough money to move past my eternal adolescent state of mind.

Not that I mind this feeling of being perpetually a teenager. It's a great way to deny that I'm in my 20s and should start to assume responsibility about my future (whatever that is).

Ok maybe I should work on that last part. I'm 22 and I am in a somewhat dead-end job. This wasn't a part of my master plan. Accordint to 14 year old me, I should have been in med school by now, not a girl with a degree in Art History, living with her parents.

Wait! There it was, that first tingling of shame.

And then gone again as fast as it came.

As a Gen XYVZ-er (whatever they call us), I think I'm am part of a trend, that of graduates living at home after university... and not feeling guilty about it. At all, how could we even try to live well in a city with ridiculous rent and low paying entry level jobs?
A harsh reality that is so much easier to deal with when you can watch 24 on a big LSD screen with Mom and Dad.

Hmm... maybe that is only my reality... so perhaps I should feel a little bit guilty to live in such rich surroundings?

(Then again, that guilt could just be originating from the repressed Catholic in me. So instead I will just count myself lucky)

2007-01-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

Clarification:
Alykhan got it wrong - it's not a two-in-one. Tsk tsk. But that doesn't mean that Two-in-one is a bad thing, I have great anti-cholorein 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. So there.

---------

Back when I was living the sweet unemployed life, sometimes I felt insulted that my working friend were "ignoring" me. A feeling that seems overwhelmingly silly and self-centered now!!! Yet I feel bad for now having enough time for some of my friends!!!

random notes

2007-01-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

My love of TV continues, but I am still far from looking like a couch potato. I might be currently suffering through a horrible work schedule that is mon-thursdays 4:30pm-10pm and then most Saturdays and some Fridays but thanks to the glorious new technology that is TVR I can record and then watch my fave TV shows in peace (and without commercials thanks to the fastforward button!)

Thursday nights are one crazy clusterfuck of good TV.
Thankfully Grey's is past its uneven start and Scrubs is showing those other medical shows how its done (and I have read that there might-possibly-hopefully be a seventh season!)
What is getting even better is my new Thursday night fave, Ugly Betty. Last week's episode was genius - even if it did kind of rip off "How to lose a guy in 10 days". Best part of the episode? Realizing that Becki Newton (who plays the uber bitchy Amanda) must have put the makeup department through hell to get her looking like Ruthie.

Another exciting and stupid development in my life:

Garnier's Fructis has *FINALLY* decided to bring the "Curl and Shine" shampoo/conditioner to North America!!! YESSS!!! This is my favorite shampoo EVER! This makes me sooo happy.
I actually brought back extra bottles from France, and bought some in Spain. Why did it take them almost TWO YEARS to bring this to me?!?!

Damn my life is boring.

2007-01-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

The office experience continues, in its own weird and special way.

I'm making some money and it's amazing location, so I've decided to stick with it till something better comes along (yes, I am already looking). Having friends live close by and a bit of retail therapy (but not TOO much because turns out the pay is less than mediocre) will make it possible to continue.

I worked 6 days of the last week and actually slept almost all day on Sunday. It was my first 40 hour work week in months. Going out late on Thursday and then having to be at work early on Friday didn't help. Neither did going to a bad play on Friday night. Finding a balance with a random work schedule won't be easy, but hopefully it will happen.

Saturday wasn't so bad (besides being terribly tired) because I met the last receptionist (who works twice a month, and only on Saturdays), and she finally explained to me the toxic office politics and the series of events that lead it the messed up situation that it is. I won't get into specifics here, but it all confirmed tensions that I saw between people. And also why I don't totally fit in. I'm sad that A (I don't know how else to refer to her, but I'll have to come up with something else for the other receptionist because all of our names start with As) works so infrequently - we really got along and she was kind of enough to show me what to do/help me without looking bothered when necessary.

As I wrote about last week, I am terrified of getting "stuck" in a job that is underpaid and leaves me intellectually understimulated (smallfat also mentions this in her recent blogging... as well as sexual harassement, something that I have learnt didn't fade away along with the 60s views of women). I have a plan as to fulfill what I wanted to here, and then leave - for another job, to travel, whatever. I've told my parents and my dad agrees with me and ofcourse my mother is playing devils advote on the issue (which she ALWAYS does, so i've continued half listening to her advice and not address her views as it avoid another unnecessary argrument).

I have to say it was good to start 2007 with a job, maybe I still lack that clear sense of purpose, but atleast I'm not sitting at home wishing I had a job to bitch about.

i wish i was a rockstar

2007-01-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

I started work a few days ago.
Or perhaps the right thing to say is "I started working again last week after a period of leisure".

And within the past 4 days I have worked enough to remember why working hard breeds general lassitude in the masses; about their views towards the state of the world in general. It's because by the time you're done, you're so fucking tired that all you care about is having something to eat, taking off your work clothes and watching something on TV.Then sleep. And repeat.
A comfortable routine kills a general desire "to stick it to the man" or "fight the power".
Or atleast that is the way I view life after 4 days of work.

Does having too much money numb your desire to break free of the system?

No wonder ppl in the arts are underpaid.
Artists could never fund a revolution.

.......

The new job has also made me realise that I am terrified of getting stuck in a job for which I am grossly overqualified.

... how did I only get accepted to something for which I am overqualified? how did that happen? and how did my life suddenly get so boring? what happenned?

New Years Blues.

2006-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas (I refuse to say xmas, cause that is crossing out the christ!) and my birthday were both better than expected!

Somehow once the 28th creeped around everything went downhill even if I was initally excited about the new year, I lost all hope for the rest of 2006.

It's been a not so great few days.
I really need some cheering up.

2006-12-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have been quite the bum as of late.

I was rather upset that I had a course cancelled on me last Thursday and Friday, and since my life has gone into a downward spiral of being lazy and not making any money. And going about half a day too long without showering.

I've also somehow managed to watched almost all of season 5 of Scrubs, which I have quite enjoyed, much to the chagrin of my widening ass and my mother demanding I do some cleaning.
In Season 5, Scrubs asserts itself as a distant cousin to Grey's Anatomy:

Elliot: "Let's just go home and watch Grey's Anatomy JD!"
JD: "Yeah, I love that show - it's like they watched our lives and put it on TV"

and also a cousin of House:

Dr Kelso: " Oh Perry, you are like House but without the limp"

I should really get started on this season as it is rumoured to be Scrubs' last!

(In disappointing news, tongiht's Dexter was kind of obvious and not as fun as other episodes... but it gives me hope that the first episode of the new year will be... killer... hahaha)

Something that would never have happenned 3 years ago (during the first season): http://www.fox.com/oc/savetheoc/

When I started posting,I was CERTAIN that I had something more in depth to talk about besides TV.

Oh right.

Living at home is going well. In the sense that I feel that I've refound that comforting cocoon feeling that living at home provides. I feel secure in a childish way - provided for and loved. And comforted when necessary. Ofcourse it's not always smooth sailing - we have argruments, we get moody. But because we are more than roommates, it passes by. Ahhh roommates. I don't miss many of my roommates. Just my two favorite girls from 2nd year, because that felt like a family - maybe we would not have been as close if 4th roommate was spawn of satan, or if life hadn't thrown us as many curve balls when we were together. But when I was with them, I knew they'd be there for me if I was sick, unhappy or excited about something. The worst roommate was Miss Indifference. One of the worst years of my life and she couldn't even pull her hair out of the drain, mind even asking me what was up.

Only thing that bothers me about living at home: not being able to drive. So I started my driving lessons today!!! Road test is booked for January 25... I can almost savour the freedom. And my dad's new LS 460.
:D

I'm getting a little erratic here.. and I don't know who to trust

2006-12-09T17:46:00.000-08:00

I refuse to excuse myself for being sensitive.
And I refuse to excuse you for being insensitive.

2006-12-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

Ok, so as I mentioned in my last post, I am single (and the sights are looking pretty dreary from here - my last date was at Scallywags for Christsakes!) and coming back to Toronto with new eyes has made me realise that there are so many great places to go on a date here.

Example of what a perfect date would be - well *besides* drunken minigolfing ;)

Wine and tapas here : http://www.jkkitchens.com/content/jk-winebar.html
Ok, so I have never been, but I really really really really want too! With someone who likes wine. And tapas. And listening to me talk and laughing at my bad jokes. And maybe even before or after catching a play. That'd make me swoooon!

I think we need to take a break...

2006-12-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

Althought I'm not dating anyone, there are a lot of people which I feel like saying the above too. Friends, co-workers (and sometimes my parents). Even if it's what I'd *like* to say, I usually just take a break from someone by slowly breaking off all contact, many myself inaccessible and busy all.the.time. Actually, I'm doing this with a few people right now but they probably have no idea. (no worries, out of the 4 of you that read this blog - I'm not avoiding any of yous).

Perhaps this could be interpreted as passive-aggresive behaviour. Maybe it is. But what it allows me to do is calm down about what I view to be bad behaviour/insulting/bad manners on their part. A "break" from someone allows you to take time to recognise if you still want them around, and if their behaviour was excusable or if they will suck out your soul if you let them stick around. (maybe "break your spirit" is a better way to describe it).

Sometimes you have inadvertent breaks from people bc of distance, work, school etc. Taking a break from someone can also (if you can) avoid an unnecessary screaming match and/or cat fight. Hmm... now why was I going on about this?

Right. So people change (actually I have seen a few people I thought I knew morph into something rahter unpleasant) so wondering if you want to be friends with the new and improved Dick and Jane is pretty normal. I'm guessing people do it to me ALL THE TIME.

Now I am busy... avoiding people.

2006-12-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation with my parents today.

Them: Wow, your brother is 18!!!
Me: I guess that means I can't hit on 18 year olds any more. 19 is now my lower limit!
Mom: Unless it is only the 18 year olds that respond to your advances!
Dad: Yeah, or in your mother's case it's only the 17 year olds that come on to her! (in reference to an event at Peel Pub in Ktown, circa 2003)

Yeah, so it's my brother's age that determines who can be my youngest culprit! hahaha. no, relaly, 19 is still *borderline* acceptable for a 21 year old. Atleast for girls, bc at 19 my boyfriend was 21. haha

Turns out feminism isn't part of my DNA

2006-11-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've told many of you that when I was younger that my mother was convinced I was a lesbian (mostly due to my tendency to quasi-feminist/ anti-white man rants). Remarkably, she even told me recently that if a woman wants to "get a man" she should learn to be less dominating and more giving in any relationship, otherwise it might not work. I agree with this statement partially, I think that for any relationship to work in the long term requires both parites to compromise in some way( hopefully not in their beliefs, jobs, or personalities... unless according to my mom that they are "too dominating"), and give in to their relationship. Ok, so I am an idealists when it comes to relationships. I supose it explains in a way, why I am still single.

Ah singlehood. It'd great now bc it seems to many of my friends are, so I am no longer dumped by friends to spend time with their boyfriends! :)
Anyways, an even bigger difference between myself and my mother is how I react, and she reacted to inappropriate behaviour.

Exhibit A:
When she was my age a man in her workplace snaped her bra and said "Oh! You are wearing a bra today!" In this situation, she didn't know what to say.

What I would have done:
a. Punched him in the face
b. Punched him in the nuts
c. Laughed and then slap him in the face with a harassement suit
d. Probably all or one of the above.

I tend to be violent and/or agressive in face of sexual harassement. But I do try to recognise the difference between a joke and crossing the line. If a close male friend snaped my bra, I might laugh... but otherwise I would view it as an offensive act that necesisated a strong response.

.... Is that so wrong?
I don't think so.

2006-11-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

"I wish I was a little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller,
I wish I had a girl so
I could call her... "

And I...

wish I was a little bit tougher,

that my skin was a little bit thicker,

So when I am hurt I don't want to

hollar...

2006-11-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

Jealousy...
For me, it's a toxic feeling that overcomes me and I can't control. It brings out the worst in me, and I hate myself for it.
Is it a vice? Why yes.
I try not to covet that which belongs to others, or what others posess (atleast most of the time). I am usually never jealous while in a relationship but I am terribly jealous afterward... and many of those who I know who aren't jealous afterwards don't have a good imagination (haha, kidding), didn't really care or moved on pretty damn fast!
Then again, I think it is somewhat normal to feel jealous for a short period after the end of a relationship/whateverness that was never titled! So that means that you are allowed to be rightly pissed if they show a lack of respect to you by hooking up with someone else shortly after you kicked them/they kicked you to the curb. Or one of your friends thinks that it is their turn.

Anyway, this was brought on by a post by smallfat that made think about it.

As for other things that I am jealous of : success. Mostly in a professional and academic sense. But that, is a lot harder to pin point and compare, so I'm not even going to bother.

self induced AA

2006-11-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

I went out Saturday night and I had fun, but there were a few things that made me miss living close to the bars, and going to bars with people my own age (ie I am going to pass on another other evening where the festivities are at a 25+ club, bc drunks guys of all ages are lame!)

For those of you who know me well, I like to drink at times, but I hate the idea of getting completely plastered until you have a deadly hangover the next morning. I refuse to glump down expensive and exquisite martinis, it's like going to North 44 just to eat your dinner standing up in less than 5 minutes. Really good martinis should be enjoyed, not slurped up in an attempt to consume as much booze as possible. If that is your aim, just get straight shorts of vodka, it's cheaper and faster.

The reason for my martini rant is due to my viewing too many people do just that in the name of getting drunk. My response was to retaliate by not drinking excessively, and strangely I was criticised for doing just that. Supposidly I wasn't being "crazy" enough or whatever. I was tired and wanted to have enough wits to push away dim witted fools try to put their tongues down my throat. (yes, it did happen, and i asked him if he wanted a piece of gum because he had really bad breath)

What is so wrong about wanting to go (somewhat) sober?
I don't get it.

Forget-him-not. Forget-him-never.

2006-11-06T21:00:00.000-08:00

I was rereading the first post from yesterday and realised I forgot two people who are very important to me: Vimla and Jamie (Ottawa BFF).
Back when I started going to TFS in grade 5, Vimla was one of the only people who cared to reach out. Kids can be evil and cold, and young adults can be jaded and judgemental... but Vimla is neither. I recently spoke to her about something I wasn't proud about, and she wasn't condesending, she was thoughtful about the situation in a way that I think is rare at our age. Oh, and she can party like it's 1999 on a Tuesday at 9, so that helps too!
Jamie saved me from a lonely and boring summer while I was in Ottawa - it's amazing how just making one friend can lead to an amazing 3 months and and many continuing friendships. She was probably the best "host" that anyone could have in a new city and I was never bored or without plans. And because good friends are such a rare find, I can't wait till she comes to the city!

In the same note of recognition and appreciation, I feel it is appropriate to mention that today is the 10 year anniversary of my grandpa Claude's death. I am aware that I muse maybe a bit too much over death and dying, but Claude's death was probably one of the worst ones that I have ever had to endure. It changed everything. I have always been close to my mother's parents and they filled the roles that non-existant (or non-participating) family members could have, so as a young child I never felt that our small family lacked anyone, or any love.
What was the worst was how I saw that it affected my parents and my grandmother. I saw my parents slow down a little, I watched my grandmother become less active and lose the desire to cook or do the things she loved.
And even if I have become aware in these past 10 years that perhaps he wasn't the person I thought he was when I was 11 years old, my memories of him have not been damaged. I loved him very much, and still do, no matter what his past faults or mistakes were, it is undenyable that he was a wonderful grandfather.

I think we are all haunted by those we loved... I sometimes still think I see him in store windows for a second, walking by, only to realise it was merely an old man with white hair and blue eyes. I am haunted in the same way by friends I love and miss. You think you see them for a second, but it is only a trick of your mind, as a way to remind you that they still loiter in your thoughts; a way to remind you to call them if that is possible.

I did something today that is very fitting to Claude's memory: my carpentry class is on Mondays. When I was 5, I "helped" Claude make me a stool so I could reach the counter top. He gave me a red kid's hammer. I stil have the hammer and the stool.

confessions of a pop culture whore

2006-11-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

Being unemployed has it perks. I read the newspaper as long as I want too. I can watch all the TV shows that I want, and keep track off all my fave blogs. That is besides work periodically, go to the gym and apply for other jobs.

TV shows I actually watch with remarkable regularity:

Sundays:

8pm - Amazing Race : my parents are huge fans of this show. they love travel, and the show goes to more 'adventurous' places that my otherwise resort bred parents wouldn't dare dream of going. and last canada day, we even ran into last season's winners (the hippies for anyone who knows what i am talking about!)

9pm - Desperate Housewives : I don't know what got me into it this season... but I just loove the drama.

Mondays:

Although I have carpentry class, TVR records the following shows which i watch either that night, or later on in the week.

9pm - Dexter: It plays on The Movie Network here in Canada and on Showtime in the States. Michael C.Hall has been one of my fave actors since he was in Six Feet Under... Dexter makes me feel normal.

10pm - Project Runway: This show has inpired me to learn how to sew. The cattyness between designers is kind of silly, and if any one hasn't noticed Heidi Klum recites the same 3 lines every show. Tim Gunn is the real gem here. I hope this show will "carry on" for many more seasons of funny fiery fashion.

Tuesdays/Wednesdays:

I forget if House or Lost is on Tues or Wed, and I know they have a very loyal following, but I never got into Lost, and House I watch occassionally if I am knitting and sitting with my parents. (Yes, I actually knit!)

Oh! But I have caught 30 Rock on occassion and it is *really* good, but it is going to be harder to follow once it moves too...

Thursdays:
I am a total TV WHORE on Thursdays.

8 pm - Ugly Betty : America Ferrara is my hero. Her character looked like me when I was 14 (except I was skinny like the Amanda character... now i am closer to Betty's roundness). It's cheesy TV that makes you feel the good guy will always win, and it's executive producer is the uber hot Salma Hayek, with Vanessa Williams playing a woman clinging onto her youth and attempting to scheam her way into being editor-in-chief of fictional "Mode" magasine. And beneath the cutesy veneer there seems to be a more serious commentary being played out by the funny sterotypes.

9 pm - Grey's Anatomy: I don't know *why* but yes, I love Grey's. It's highly addictive and I hate it miss an episode. I wonder if it is like our generation's ER with less blood?

10pm - Six Degrees: Ok, so this isn't the best show *ever* but I have somehow managed to watch all of the episodes so far.

Obviously, I don't go out on Thursdays (ps. how sad is taht?? hahaha.)

That makes 7 hours of TV a week!! shitters that is a lot!! Then again, I most definitely waste more time on the internet per week. Now, how do I manage that?

MSN is more addictive that ever... no one seems to call anyone else anymore. I kind of find sitting at my computer and typing (when it isn't work) relaxing... I'm trying to cut down, but is it really all that bad?

And ofcourse, I love to read all of your blogs! It seems like we have all gotten less frequent in our blogging, but that is acceptable - it IS November. However that happenned! haha.

Other blogs I read to pass the time:

www.pinkisthenewblog.com
www.facebook.com
www.gofugyourself.com
www.perezhilton.com
www.pajiba.com
www.overheardinnewyork.com
www.virginitymonologues.blogspot.com (I don't know why! someone sent it to me a looong time ago... well, when she was still a virgin and it is too funny to watch her spiral into someone else)
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ (thanks Shrad!)
and there is always www.youtube.com for fun (ie : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV3ncKB8a4s, thanks to Claire)

Real high brow, eh?

And then there are my work related sites that I check like a mad woman like (www.chin.gc.ca , www.akimbo.biz , www.workinculture.com , and ofcourse www.rom.on.ca , www.ago.net etc...)

Perhaps this shows that I should just get off my lazy ass and DO something... but acording to my research (ie reading my fave column in the Globe and Mail Style section of last weekend), culture IS everything. Even if it is cyclical pop culture. (sadly Leah McLaren's article from October 28th which ended with the question "What would Trent Reznor do?" is unavaliable online without registration booooo. But this shows even *more* what me and the Globe's version of Carrie Bradshaw and I have in common, we both once lusted after Trent Reznor. Ok, well I still do at times... so maybe that nullifies any comparison, plus I don't even have blond hair, or a country house so that ends it.)

Even if I don't end up with a cool job and merely follow my brother's advice to "marry rich!", then I will be the girl with a water cooler type banter prepared for every soiree. And if they don't dig "Grey's Anatomy" then I will have something prepared to say from The New York Times' Style, Travel or Entertainment section, just like Emily Gilmore says to do. And yes, I actually read the Sunday New York Times. And the Globe. And the Toronto Star. I probably am doing as much reading as I did in university.

Now I am going to go read Alexandre McCall Smith's latest, The Right Attitude to Rain, before I give my poor little head a rest.

2006-11-05T01:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while because I couldn't think of anythign worth blogging about.

Althought I am someone who greatly appreciates spending time alone, withdrawing myself from the constant pressure to interact with others, I do not enjoy feeling lonely either. I doubt anyone does. Those whose company I enjoy most, are friends who I feel no need to impress. To them, it doesn't matter if I am unemployed and living at home, they still like me and like to spend time with me. I also like them because I have no role to fill with them to be the funny one, the cute one or whoever some superficial acqaintances take me to be.
It seems as though those who are most valuable to me are slowly moving away from Toronto. Alex S is now in New York, Claire is moving to South Africa for a few months, Cat is in Scotland for the year, Alykhan is in DC somewhat indefinitely (so I am more used to him being away) while countless others are just too busy with school and work (shrad, emilie, majid...)
This doesn't mean that I am feeling lonely, but now living at home, I miss being subjected to ever changing company. Something I dread more than being lonely is monotony (and mediocrity, but that is another issue by itself). And althought I am extremely happy to no longer be at Queen's, I miss the proximity to a few of my favorite people that it provided. Going out wasn't an ordeal, it could be spontaneous. Hanging out wasn't something you planned hours before either.

And now, my constant company is my mother. I suppose it is a good trade. Lossing contact with all those who I never really cared for anyway, and then gaining someone who pays for a lot of stuff, makes me food and does my laundry. Yeah, pretty awesome eh? But I should mention that she likes to talk. . . a lot? And I'm in serious trouble if I don't feel like talking when she feels like talking.

I miss my condo in Ottawa. It was peaceful and beautiful there. And I had a job.

Pussycats do girl power... in their underwear

2006-10-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

One of my guilty pleasures is definitely "The Pussycat Dolls". Not them, but it is their producer, because damn that guy can make mad beats. So from songs like "dontcha", "beep" and "buttons" that fulfilled their burlesque background, their new single is "I don't need a man". These girls are not of the same brand of Girl Power that the Spice Girls promoted (the pussycats don't even have bankable personalities, so it's far from the hay day of the 90s Spice) but at frist listen I thought this song was finally a positive message for all those teenage girls. After watching the video, I realised I was wrong. It's another cheap burlesque show in 3 mins, complete with a different set of lingerie than the other videos and wet dream inducing dance sequence.
If they really want to be positive role models, and not just role models for strippers, then they should have messages about how to practice safe sex in their videos. *this is how to put on a condom* *always use one, so you don't have to end up dancing for $ like we do to support our children and pay for our boob jobs!*

They make me miss the Spice Girls. :(

Blogging for idiots

2006-10-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

Eventho I have been blogging for a number of years now (and on a side note, i am somewhat amused that it now all the cool kids are doing it) I can't figure out how to link properly in my sidebar.

I need techie help!

Learning to reject someone like an adult

2006-10-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Somehow the guy on Monday thought that things went well. I guess it was because I didn't say much of anything. So he called me today.
I recognised that even people who I don't like might possibly have feelings, so after he proposed we go to see a movie I said : "Honestly, I didn't think we had much in common".

At this point I have been on enough bad first dates to know when to give them a second chance and when not too. Leading anyone on is cowardly. And a waste of time for all those involved.

So maybe, for the first time in a long time, I did the right thing when it came to dating.

capentry for beginners and a bad date

2006-10-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

Monday night was rather eventful. SO eventful that I already thought it was Wednesday already.

As an umemployed person I decided to pursue other goals i have had lingering in my mind for quite some time. One of these was to follow's JC's steps and learn about carpentry. Starting yesterday and continuing for the next 9 weeks, on Mondays from 6:30 - 9:30 I will be participating in a woodworking for beginners class. My first project : a shoe rack. No joke.

I also managed to go on a date after said class. I really know how to pick 'em y'all. Mind you, this dude picked ME. I was out having drinks with Shrad at Milestones and he was our waiter. He didn't look 32 when he asked for my number and gave me his. He didn't look like a failed comic, or something who ran away at 17 to hitchhike in California. He didn't look like someone who was in LA during the Rodney King riots, or someone who had gone to their first concert two weeks ago. OR someone who, at 18, went to the Czech Repuclic without a visa and was subsiquently spend 3 months in a small German town because he had run out of money (after being kicked off the train to Prague). Oh, and he is in his 2nd year of university. He is also an "author"
Some girls might find that attrative that he followed his wanderlust and travelled so much. I wasn't one of those girls. I thought he was an absolute idiot. And if anyone hasn't noticed I appreciate those around me to be relatively ambitious and smart people. This guy wasn't one of them. And for someone who was a "comic" for 4 years, he wasn't even funny. I'm funnier than this guy.
The best part was when he dropped me off at St. Clair Station and i dodged his failed attempt at a kiss. I left him with a "sure, you can call me" and walked into the station. There I was met by two punks (late teens?) who started to laugh their heads off.
Me: Why you laughing?
Punks: Dude, that was straight out of blind date!! His face FELL when you didn't kiss him!!!
Me: Oh yeah?
Punks: Were you on a blind date?
Me: Pretty much, he was my waiter a little while ago.
Punks: So, you going to go out with him again?
I made the thumbs down sign and we all laughed.
After a rather dismal two hours those punks at St Clair really made my night!!

I love bad dates, they make such great stories!

Telenovellas take over TV

2006-10-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

This is something that I have been considering for a while since watching all the new shows that have sprung up on network TV. Back in the good old days of Giles Hall, I did watch latin american telenovellas in Spanish - and tried to pass it off as Spanish "homework". Vimla did this as well, and this is how we learnt words like "putana di madre" and all those other things that Sr. Vera forgot to include in her lesson plans. Watching the drama unfold and watching almost everyone in the cast sleep with each other was riveting. That and the story followed a plot of some type so that the saga continued from week to week.
Suppodily, that is what we like to call a "soap opera" here in North America.

In this post- "Friends", "Fraiser" and "Seinfeld" world we are now bound to our TVs ever week to watch our shows, otherwise, we'll no longer understand the contrived story line. Examples are my old faves "Grey's Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives" and newbies "Six Degrees" and "Dexter". "Lost" and "24" are other examples of these serial shows that demand the weekly attention of its viewers, but I didn't watch the first season of either so I have no idea what is going on in either show at this point.

I am not saying that "Friends", "Fraiser" and "Seinfeld" lacked a plot. There was always something ridiculous going on that captivated your attention for all of 22 minutes. There was some connection from week to week, but ultimately all you had to have little knowledge of was the characters, and it was their interaction that made the show entertaining. This is why these shows have become very popular in reruns, it doens't matter what order you watch them in, as they remain endless entertaining (well, atleast to me!) And as addictive as the serial based/ telenovella like TV shows are... I don't see them living forever in syndication on TV land. Like, who watches reruns of 90210 or Melrose's Place? Some, but not as many as other shows that I mentioned before (oh! and I almost forgot Sex and the City!).

What I was aiming to write about was the inflitration of the telenovella approach to TV in recent years and wondering if this was based on California's exponentially growing hispanic population.

I guess it ended up more about the possible future of Grey's/Housewives/Lost/24 once they are off the air... which is probably continued success thanks to DVD sets. Oh, and downloading episodes on the internet.

2006-09-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure what to expect from the new Lonelygirl15 videos now that they have officially been outed and Jessica Rose (who plays "Bree") and Yousef (who plays "Daniel" and who's last name I forget) have been interviewed on MTV. I also wasn't sure how I would react to the videos either.

I have found the production so far rather lackluster. The "My first kiss" video remained in the same category as past videos of Bree's room but that videoblog but the "Learning to drive" video have lacked the same tension/fun aspects that the first videos did. Or, perhaps in my knowledge that it is a real production and not just a girl and a boy having fun with a webcam, I've lost interest. Because, for me atleast, not really knowing, was part of the appeal.

Embalming fluid and other fun fluids

2006-09-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

I went to ma Tante Beatrice's wake last Thursday. It was a spoonful of awkward served with a heaping side of guilt.
My godmother took my arm and showed me her dead mother: " Voici ma maman". I didn't know what to do or say, I just stared at Beatrice's dead body, thinking of all the chemicals inside of her and wondering why she didn't look more waxy. Thanks to the show Six Feet Under all I could imagine was the embalming fluid being pumped into her frail frame. I think my mother turned me away to introduce me to family members I hadn't yet met.
That image haunted me until Saturday night.
Embalming fluid. That was all I could think about.
It wasn't a useless thought process though. I found the dead body really creepy so I don't think that I would ever want to be presented as a preserved dead carcas to cry over. Except if that is what my family would want at the time.
I didn't go to the fruneral, but I did make it to the post-fruneral-meet-and-greet-in-a-church-bingo-basement. And there I met a seemingly pleasant family, who had a new baby daughter. She was 6 weeks old, and so perfect. I can't remember the last time I held a baby. She was so fragile. It was a great feeling, and for a while, I forgot about embalming fluid, and all I could think about was her life as a clean slate, her unrealised potential. I asked the mother about her newest daughter and then asked how many other children she had. She had she had had five children but 3 of them died. Inside of her. All a week or two before she gave birth to them. So that is why this daughter was so tiny, premature so assure her own umbilical cord wouldn't kill her like what had happenned with the others. I have never seen a woman carrying so much grief (no pun intended), and yet so happy. The beautiful thing was seeing how much love there was to the baby from her older brother, he kissed her and held her and played with the little hair she had.
Later, I didn't cry over Beatrice, but I did for the three unborn babies.
___________________________________________________________________
A few hours later I boarded a train to Kingston. This weekend was, after all, Homecoming weekend.
Unfortunately we didn't make it to pancake keggers or the game, but once about 4pm hit, the day got better after getting quickly drunk in a bar to ease my sorrows. Then I went shopping. Don't drink and shop y'all.
I didn't do too much damage, but I just bought anything I felt like (new Sam Roberts CD, old NIN cd, t-shirt at the GAP and a small perfume). Good thing the shops closed at 6, otherwise my bags would have no doubt multiplied.
Homecoming evening was probably the best homecoming I've had, which was unexpected surprise. There was no animosity, or flipped cars and the negative engergy of Homecoming '05 seemed far, far away. The number of cops bordered on ridiculous but I didn't see any bad behaviour on their part either. Unlike last year there seemed to be an air of respect for students, and policemen. The volunteers were polite and not pushy, and I appreciate everyone's efforts to have peaceful and successful homecoming celebrations.
I'll also make one thing clear, I didn't really drink at all during the night. Ok, so maybe Don and I stole some beer from the Queen's Bands party that we crashed, but not enough to get drunk off of. I was, along with my tag team for the night, Don and Alexis, a vision of sobriety. That didn't intrude on our fun, but probably helped us keep having fun till 4am. Alexis made a new friend by just randomly eating his poutine and we all ran into a ridiculous amount of people we all knew. Homecoming this year was basically a meet-and-greet in the street. Oh, and getting onto the roof of the JDUC and catching couples have sex in the JDUC... hahahha.
Sunday brunch I got to see Nick (who now drinks tea?) and caught up on what was going on at school, and I get the impression he's having an amazing time. I think Engineering is perfect for him. :)
I think I really needed the high that this weekend gave me after the somber tone of last week.
For someone who tries to avoid the personal in their blog, this is a remarkably personal and long post.

the issue of bad sex

2006-09-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine gushed about a new guy, how much they had in common and how funny/outgoing/great he was... etc etc...
And after a recent breakup of hers that was particularly heartbreaking, I was happy for her instead of wanting to throw up a little in my mouth.

Let's fastforward to a few weeks later.

Now their honeymoon stage is over, and they seem to be over as well. I haven't talked to her extensively about it, but the problem seems to be that "bad sex ruined everything".

I wonder what she could mean by "bad sex". Was it awkward/uncomfortable/did he come faster than a 15 year old? Was it boring? Did have sex like a jackrabbit?

I don't know. But I am very curious.

No matter what Canada's favorite grandma says about good sex and communication, I think that sometimes bad sex is unsolvable - my guess is that it is somewhat like just not getting along with someone without any particular reason. If there is no sexual chemistry, what do you do? Try again? what if you fail? Avoid sex and then break up because things are awkward?

I believe that having sex can either bring you closer to someone, it can also reveal the superficial nature of your relationship and make you realise that your relationship is probably going no where (but is the sex is atleast ok, why not just keep at it until it dies naturally?) and it can also "ruin everything". Ok, so sex can do many many more things than that, but I am generalising for the hell of it...

Although I have not had much "bad" sex (maybe thanks to never having sex with strangers either), I recognise it as a red flag. For me, it's mostly a sign of the beginnings of an emotional detachment between the two people concerned. But what if you just don't "fit" with someone? I guess that is almost more frustrating and hurtful than not finding someone you "click" with emotionally.

Then again, sex is bad for different people for various reasons. Maybe an fetish fiend thinks vanilla sex is bad (or more likely unfulfilling). Whatever the reason, it must be frustrating.

wish list

2006-09-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

I don't have an ipod or a cd player...
Well I had a cd player once upon a time, but that was long long ago.
I resisted buying an ipod for a long time mostly because I thought they were way too expensive and I didn't really appreciate the design.

But times have changed:

http://www.apple.com/ipodnano/
I could totally go for a pink, green or blue one of these...

OR
this is the coolest litte accessory ever:
http://www.apple.com/ipodshuffle/

Kudos to Apple for making their ipod line more fashionable and much more affordable.

And let's hope that my parents love me this xmas.

the guilty visitation

2006-09-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother's sister died yesterday. That would make her my great-aunt, my mother's aunt, and my godmother's mother.

In a strange way I was almost waiting for someone to die, it had been a year since someone I knew died and well, that is a long time for me to go without an invitation to a fruneral. At 21, I've been to more frunerals than weddings, which isn't such a bad thing. I have what some people might call a morbid fascination with frunerals. I think how people act when they are at one reveals more about their character than when they are at weddings. What is more appropriate - saying you are sorry for their loss? giving them a hug? Unlike at weddings, not everything goes. You have to be able to read the grieving person to see even if it is appropriate to say anything. And then there is the question of being sincere. It's expected to be fake at a wedding, yet if you are at a fruneral, everyone wants to kick your ass. If I ever get serious about a guy and want to see if he'd fit in my family, I'll bring him to a fruneral instead of a wedding. It's more likely that someone I'm related too will die anyways.

Right, so back to Tante Beatrice.
I'll be honest, I never liked her much. I can't avoid this visitation (tomorrow) or fruneral (friday) because it is in Ottawa. Last night I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty because I realised I didn't feel bad at all that she was dead. It didn't affect me and most of what I knew about her was negative anyways. I felt so guilty that I called my Grandma Tess at 1 am (she stays up very late) and asked her how she was doing. We stayed on the phone until about 2:30am. I felt slightly better after hearing a few positive (yet rare) stories about her sister. How are we supposed to react to someone dying that we never really liked? I didn't really expect this overwhelming guilt, but maybe it stems from the fear of being completely indifferent about someone's death. Or maybe I'm terrified because now Tess is the eldest of her siblings who are still alive?

I phoned my mom today to check when she is coming in tomorrow etc.. and I told her about how I felt and she reassured me that she kind of felt the same way. She even laughed when I said " When an asshole is dead, I guess he's just a dead asshole ". I guess I have no reason to worry about having never cared much for someone and now are dead, because there isn't much I can do about it now.

It is much too fitting that I have been renting "Six Feet Under" recently.

Rejected/Accepted

2006-09-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

With less than a month to go, and more than half a dozen cvs/cover letter sent... I am bracing myself for a slew of negative responses. Or, even worse, no response at all.

Applying for a job is a lot like a first date, you put your best foot forward, present yourself in a way that you think is irresistible only to get a "I'll call you, don't call me" response in both cases.

As Jerry Seinfeld put it, "A first date is like a job interview, except there is a chance that you'll be naked at the end of it".

And applying for a job can be just as tiring as going on a lot of bad dates (which are all too familiar territory). Except that I am the one more likely to reject possible candidates when I am dating. Only the most persistent actually get to the first date stage, and then it quickly tapers off of who will get to a second, third date.. etc...
I guess what I mostly don't like about applying for jobs is how powerless I am.
I didn't have this problem with my frist jobs - soccer ref, lifeguard at various places, first aid instructor, my intern position last summer... the positions were all guarenteed and I knew people who knew people so I didn't have to interview for them either.
It was more stressful trying to get volunteer positions at Queen's.

So this game of applying and waiting is all new to me!

Let's hope luck is on my side like it was this summer :)

Nietzsche's Amor Fati vs. Camus' hazard/nilhilsm

2006-09-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I don't really know which one to subscribe too either.

I decided to add Alex Colville's To Prince Edward Island onto my growing list of works that I am writting about. Not knowing much about him, I picked up a book at NGC's library and started reading. In the introduction to a book about him, he stated that he liked Nietzsche's idea of Amor Fati (the love of fate) and then said that someone pointed out to him that he probably had more reason to love fate than most.
Upon reading more about him, things have turned out pretty well for Alex Colville. It doesn't seem like he was faced with much adversary for becoming an artist, he has a family, he has success. So his life experiences have led him to appreciate a certain philosopher's world view over another. Could someone who has been dealt a harder hand at life be able to appreciate Nietzsche's ideas as much as Colville seems too? My guess is, probably not.

I don't muse much about philosophy, as I hate to discuss topics of which I don't know enough about. Yet, since reading Colville's introduction I've thought about how people I know think about life, and what led them to think of it that way. It seems, in general, that our personal experiences dominate how we view the world. Yes, there is the question of religion, society and family. But aren't those all included in our "personal experiences"?

I haven't commited myself to liking one idea more than an other, as my life doesn't align well with any. When I start thinking life is nothing but random choas, I am meet with a series of undeniably fateful events. And vice-versa.

I have no conclusions.

the issues of public TP usage.

2006-09-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

Although I appreciate their function, I hate using them.

Oh, public washrooms.

It isn't only the smell and cleaning that bothers me, but also the fact of using it at work. Running into your boss in the loo isn't the most gracious of things. Or having anyone walk in on you while you are checking out your ass in those pants you are wearing. I have even tried going to the washroom when I don't think anyone would be there so to avoid awkward talk while washing our hands. What are you supposed to talk about when this happens anyway? "Oh, by the way, your fly is still down?" or "Eww... please use soap?" Ok, maybe not, but that is usually what I feel like saying. Then there are the instances of entering the washroom at the same time as a co-worker, what do you do? No one wants to hear someone else pee.
What a headache.

I will only have had real success once I have not only an office, but my own washroom attached as to avoid this awkward washroom banter and dance.

on the wrong side of the tracks...

2006-09-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

I was in Kingston, the ultimate university town, this weekend, dropping off the baby Cherry and setting him up in res a week before he begins his first engineering classes.
I think everything went smoothly, no one was really nervous - except for my brother, who claimed he was fine but I swear this is one of the first times I've ever seen him even slightly nervous and it isn't about sports. Rob T came over and even said "This a little weird, isn't it?", "Yeah" my brother replied. And that my friends, was their only vocal recognition of their feelings about their first day in res. My mother was more dramatic than usual but we've all become accustomed to that. And when we left baby Cherry he just waved his hand at us, in a manner of brushing us away and said "you may go now".

Oh, to be 17 and indifferent.

I stayed with my parents in a hotel and let them wine and dine me. Having someone else pay all the bills was a welcome change. I still met up with friends for both nights I was there and this allowed me to enjoy the best of both worlds. (ie expensive dinner out with family, then drinks with friends and still stay in a hotel and not on a ratty ghetto couch. )

One of theses evenings I stayed out rather late... got back to the hotel, promptly passed out and then woke up later with a full bladder and fully dressed.
My mother, heard me get up, but didn't bring it up that morning...

When she brought it up it was at a moment when I didn't think I'd even see her : at the train station. First I will clarify things: My parents brought up both cars so to bring up all the stuff my brother needs for his room, so evidently they went back to Toronto seperately. My dad had dropped me off, and I had already said goodbye to my mom... expecting not to see her for another 3 weeks.
The Kingston train station only has two platforms, which face each other - and I was waiting on the further one.
SO... I was surprised to see a crazy lady dancing on the other platform, trying to get peoples' attention. Then I realised it was my mother. Trying to get my attention. You'd almost think she was a middle child, not an only child.
Instead of cowering behind the newspaper, like I wanted too - I called over to her. I told her to come over, she said she didn't want to get a parking ticket, so she'd just talk to me over the train tracks. How classy. At this point I wished that I stayed behind my newspaper. So we "talk" (ie scream) back at one another with about 60 people listening/watching. I tried to end the conversation about 10 times, but she'd have none of it. I suppose it is harder than it seems to see both your "babies" (as she called me and the younger Cherry across the tracks) and leave them both in a weekend. Great, now everyone there knew that she wasn't just a crazy woman but that she had two children and was strangely posessive. And just when I thought it was over... she turned to me one last time and said "Alex, I heard you go to the washroom last night at 2am - were you OK??" I think she said this loudest of all.
For about 5 seconds I couldn't say anything, and looked around and realised that yes, everyont was listening (or pretending not too) and oh! there was the old head of Queen's Art History department. I ended up responding in French and said that I felt like knocking some sense into her and that yes, I was ok, thank you very much and now please go away.
She laughed and then a train passed by, and she was gone.

So parents will always humiliate their children, so matter what their age, or position at work, or anything for that matter. And I didn't have the chance to come from a nice WASPy family who never communicate, my mom wants to know everything. And she wants everyone else to know too.

I brought it up with her last night on the phone and again, she just laughed and mentioned other opportunities and life-moments she was looking forward too in which she could embarass me. She started talking about my wedding (which it seems she has already half planned!) and her grandchildren. I then suggested she get a job.

On grandchildren...
I told her vaguely what a guy I had met and got along with and he looked like. Then she said "Oh! Babies with orange hair! I always wants babies with orange hair! Look Alex, there is a baby over there who has orange hair!"

This went on all weekend.

I am not so sure about moving back home now.
Does anyone want to live with me (I'm thinking January 07?)
No seriously.
The pressure to have grandchildren is slowly going to kill my libido.

"It is better to wear something unflattering then something unfashionable" - Lean McLaren

2006-09-05T14:06:00.001-07:00

Leah McLaren was writting about buying a pair of skinny jeans.

Until last Thursday I was adamently bucking this trend. I swore that it was a trend that favoured the Nicole Ritchies of the world and that it was not made for anyone heavier than 110 pounds or shorter than 5 foot 10.

Well.

It seems that my old routine that included a bi-daily walk through the mall when I was living in OttawaU Res made me a mall rat. Now I feel strange when I haven't seen the window dressings of my favorite stores or read the "must haves" section of LouLou magazine. Since moving to Ottawa I have definitely spent about 3-4 times as much on clothes as I did my whole 8 months in Kingston. My current shopping habits match what they were when I was in France. And how I have come to think echoes Leah McLaren's above quote (for the record, I've been reading her weekly article in the Globe for as long as I can remember...)

Ok, so I bought a pair of skinny jeans. At Guess. I went to Guess because, unlike most stores which cater to the ass-less/hip-less and thigh-less among us, Guess' jeans design usually recognise the existence of a woman's ass. Only until size 34 that is.

I remarkably fit into the first ones I tried on, a grey (tight, but not TOO tight like most skinny jeans) pair. The saleswoman convinced me they would stretch out a little thanks to the 2% stretch - so I indulged in an expensive dose of retail therapy and promised myself that if I doubted my purchase at all, that they'd be returned within the 30 day limit.

I am wearing them right now. Yes, at work. And yes, with high heels. I brought the jeans to Kingston this weekend to see what my mom thought and get some input. Well, I forgot that my mom is also a fashion and shopping slut (in the most non-negative way possible). And the jeans were the only full length pants I brought to a weekend in Kingston with rather horrid weather.

So I guess they are in my cupboard for good.

Oh, and I already have leggings. And a mini dress. So I'll have to wait until I get my next fashion fix.

If it makes me happy... then why do I have to give it up to quickly?

2006-09-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my landlord today.
Initially, she had said that I had till September 15th to tell her if I wanted to stay... And to me, this was perfectly reasonable, because on top of applying to jobs in Toronto, I was also looking to stay in Ottawa if there was a suitable position at the gallery or otherwise. And in that case I would stay in my amazing condo. She asked me today (september 1st) to tell her if I intend to stay longer because she has someone who is willing to sign a 6 month lease.
I'll make it clear, I am in renter's heaven. I love this condo. I love the view, I love the layout, I love the price, I love that there only seems to be hot people living in the condo complex.
800 square feet which make my little piece of heaven.
I don't feel like I could ever go back to shitty apartments. Or shitty landlords. Or shitty views.
But somehow I think I will...
On October 1st it is planned that I move back home, into my parent's house. On October 1st I will give up my little piece of heaven to live with 2 parents who were empty nesters for a month. I'm slightly anxious and I wonder how they will react. Will they give me space? Will they be up in my face? Will they ask me to 'please move out so we can have fun'?
Actually, I think it will be fine. Living at home I'll be saving money faster than living in a 1200 + a month rent condo but the sacrifices will be numerous too.
I live across the street from Loeb's (think Ottawa's version of A&P with a dash of food basics flare), down the street from bars and clubs and restaurants and shops. I have a view of the market and I check the time by looking at the Peace Tower. I am a 5 min walk from the Rideau Centre, where most buses leave from, 15 min walk from the NGC (work), and 3 min walk away from Blockbuster (I don't have internet where I am so I make most nights Blockbuster nights when I don't feel like going out).
At home, I will be confined to a car/bus for transportation - a car which I don't have (or have money for... hell, who am I kidding I still need to get my full licence) - buses are reasonable but are a 10 min walk away from my house. Oh, and I don't even have a bike in Toronto because mine was stolen a year ago and I still haven't gotten a new one. (I just started renting one here at 90$ for 2 weeks... which I have to say is absolutely reasonable - Ottawa is graced with beautiful biking trails and everyone here seems to bike everywehre!)
Booo.

I'm really going to miss this place.
I've had the good fortune to make amazing friends and have one of the best summers of the past couple of years.

Hopefully my good fortune will continue when I move home - oh, and that I'll have a job!

PS
Something I'd added to my short list of life goals: buying a beautiful condo!

when does something become retro?

2006-08-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

I hate to think that my own childhood is viewed as being “retro”. Has there really been such a huge jump from 90s music to the present? Or so much so that we need shows that like “so 90s” … Any music that is from the past 10 years really doesn’t seem horribly dated. Ok, play a 1992 Paula Abdul video and I will put it in the retro category – but anything late 90s still seems relatively relevant. By relatively I mean that it is still played on the radio, some of the bands are still together from that time and not everyone has made a huge Britney Spears like turn around.
Then again, being retro seems so cool now. Even Madonna has become a retro version of herself. Everyone seems to be trying to relive the 80s, with our leggings, over the shoulder sweaters, and budding coke addictions.
I don’t know…

Then again, there is the generation difference of viewing what is retro and what isn't. When bellbottoms first came out I thought they were the "new thing". First my mother corrected me and told me about the 70s. Then my grandmother told me about the 70s, and the 40s. She said she wore them both times around but wasn't sure how she felt about them in 1997.
With that as an example, then the permissable cycle of reviving a "retro" trend is about every 20-30 years - so that explains the 80s revival.
But for the sake of my sanity - leave the 90s alone!!!!

Canada still one step ahead..

2006-08-24T13:19:00.001-07:00

Somehow I am shocked that it's taken so long to get Plan B avaliable over the counter in the US: http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/08/24/morning.after.pill.ap/index.html

And I am saddenned about the age restriction that is imposed on buyers. I don't see how that helps with teen pregnancies, or who this is then supposed to be aimed at - only kids out of high school once they've given up on practicing abstinence?

In Canada (or atleast Ontario), it's been avaliable above the counter, no ID required since 2002. In walk-in clinics and select drug stores. It's affordable (at about 30$ a pop) and the files are kept secret and never given to your health care professional.

I don't see why pro-lifers would be against Plan B - it can not terminate a pregnancy but it helps stop fertilisation from happenning and stops the egg from attaching itself to the endometrium wall. Where is the murder in that? If pro-lifers wish to go evangelica on our ass then they could say that it is playing God and deciding if a pregnancy goes forward or not, but that is bollocks.
Plan B has probably saved many girls in the case of condoms breaking, men saying they will "pull out" but don't and just mistakes... I don't see how it is a negative thing at all. Is the age restriction is just a way of pretending that minors don't have sex? I don't know...

I am a big supporter of Plan B. I hate to say that I am a big supporter of abortion - although I am pro-choice. I hope never to have to be in a situation where I might have to get an abortion, but Plan B is such an easier decision to take.

I still can't believe that the US is so behind Canada on this one...
Shame on them.

Searching for the perfect... place to live

2006-08-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Is like dating and trying to find your prince charming. You go through so many bad dates, until... you lose hope.. and then you're surprised bu what you can find.

I have spend the better part of a week and half looking for a place to live as I am being kicked out of residence Friday morning. A nearly two month stay in a clean, large well furnished place, with a good view, free internet and tv has spoilt me beyond belief. I can't imagine ever moving back into the apartments/houses I lived in while a student at Queen's! I even had a weekly maid service and access to an extra bedroom. It's been great.
Mind you looking for a furnished apartment in the downtown core, that is walking distance from the gallery and that won't suck all my well earned money away... well that is ... Remarkably depressing. Most short term rentals of furnished apartments are of ridiculously smelly/ugly/non lit/out of the way/out of my price range. I have nearly cried on a few occassions. It was that bad. I almost threw a phone at a woman in frustration when her place was fully booked (it was too expensive but seemed ok). I even attempted looking into apartment hotels, which are OK, but way too expensive and sometimes they only had smoking rooms left. I was left, until yesterday, thinking there was no hope for finding acceptable accomodation. Or that I would live with friends of the family, which is ok, but I enjoy my alone time. Not to say that I like to be isolated, but I need time away from the world as to allow my mind to destress, and to do nothing. And watch TV sitting in my underwear and sleep naked and not be afraid that anyone will walk in on me spead eagle.

Yesterday, I frantically phoned all of the posted ads for "rooms to rent" and "furnished apartments/condos". Like before, many people hung up on me when I said I wanted to move in the next day, that I needed a fully furnished place and could only confirm staying until the end of September. That is, until two people said it was a possibility. One of the properties sounded like a dream come true - a condo in the downtown centre, with everything I wanted, a full kitchen, double bed, small living room... I thought there had to be something wrong with it. And all for an affordable price tag. Oh, and it's right in the Byward Market.

My dear friend Jamie (girl) came with me for "emotional support" as she had seen me the day before almost strangle a woman and throw a telephone at her in renter's rage. But once we walked into this place, we just starred at each other in amazement. It's that nice - even has a view! I had found my condo equivalent of a prince charming. I never knew that either were possible. Perhaps I was a little eager as after ebing shown the place I said " Yeah.. so I'm taking it" rather abruptly.

In a very strange way it gave me hope that I could possibly find a boyfriend version of this apartment - ideal, convenient, avaliable (in this case emotionally! ahaha), everything I wanted and more.

Hahahaha. Who am I kidding? Renter's heaven and a perfect boyfriend - that'll never happen at the same time!

"i think my life is passing me byy... "

2006-08-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have taken to listening to www.Pandora.com in my office while working to create a background noise that I enjoy and feign off the daze-inducing boredom that I felt myself falling into when I had to type of reports.

As I have stated before, certain songs/albums are successful in stirring strong feelings of nostalgia. “Brother Down” was essentially one of the biggest songs from the summer of 2002. That was also the first summer that I worked as a lifeguard at the outdoor North Toronto pool. So it just came up on my “Sam Roberts” play list – I love this song, and I love Sam Roberts. It now reminds me of what that first summer at NT was like… and how far away it is starting to feel. Yet, while listening to this song and sitting in my office, the pungent smell of chlorine mixed with sunscreen seems to float my way, as the splashes and screams of little children fill my ears. It was also hugely successful Canadian rock anthem – and I think it still is. When I saw Sam Roberts play at the Ottawa Blues fest, it impressed me to see EVERYONE singing along. And they all seemed to be smiling too. So many my memories of it aren’t really that unique. Maybe it reminds everyone of a summer, when it seemed that everything was alright.

Generation gap, or not...

2006-08-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

There is nothing quite as awkward as your mother asking you why your grandmother has a boyfriend, and you don't...

Yes, this is actually my case. And yes, Renee has asked me this recently.

For those of you wishing to have an update on the Tess-Harry love story saga, they are "en couple" as we say in French. A pair of lovebirds in their eighties, divided by geography and brought together (after 66 years apart) by their undying love (and razor sharp memories). Harry even sent her a gold chain with two pearls on it, so part of him "would be around her neck" just like the cashmere scarf she sent him.

They make me think that deep down, we all love like teenagers.
whatever that means.

Oh, and this just in - Alicia Keys is actually a nun.

what is in a name...

2006-08-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

My blog's name and title is out dated.
I was thinking of starting another one/changing the title.. but I'm uninspired at the moment.

My playlist was on random and Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" played followed by Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta". The difference was just.. too much. My ears were in a tizzy.

On another random note, I'm apply to Youth Canada Internships in Botswana (my 1st pick), Malawi and Montreal. I talked to my mom on the phone to day and for maybe one of the first times in my life we had a serious discussion about AIDS and sexuality in conjunction with the slim possibility that I go to Africa. She was concerned but remarkably wasn't condesending (ie she never said "don't have sex in africa").

2006-08-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't been writting on my blog much, mostly becauseI haven't seen the need... I rarely feel like writting when things are going well.. my journal at home is only written in when i'm depressed/something is bothering me/ or things are starting to get boring.
This habit bothers me in a sense because my happiness goes undocumented for the most part. If I read my journals when I am 84 I might view myself as a highly disturbed and unsettled individual. But I wonder what fascinates people more - despair or happiness? I would say happiness as it seems like such a harder state to achieve.. and even maintain - but then again people who are constantly happy seem so blissfully unaware, like well fed babies. So really what I find more fascinating are those periods of happiness, before boredom sets in, before there is an internal shift. May it be days, weeks, months even. In between there isn't always despair.. but there are periods when your relationshop with yourself requires more attention. It's more during this time that I write, and indulge in other creative outlets - sometimes to escape or take my mind off things - and other times because that is all that i can do to stay sane.

Everything still bodes well in Ottawa but 9-5 is slowly taking its toll and I fall asleep by 1030. I feel like such a grandma.

2006-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I took an afternoon break with my friend Jamie (girl). When you work at an art gallery, your breaks include walking around the gallery or checking out special collections. And that is exactly what we did. There is currently an Emily Carr exhibition - part of the "summer blockbuster" series as they refer to them here.
I was taken aback by the layout and design of the exhibition; by the variety and extent of Emily Carr's work and that she was also a recognised writer (yeah I had no idea!).

Even if I was an Art History major and even if I work in a museum - I will assure you that there is absolutely no corellation between education and levels of sophisticated thought in a museum.

An example of my thoughts (yes, I sadly said this out loud) :

"Wow, those trees really look like factorial brocolli"

anyone want a picture?

2006-07-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

this is actually an email I just wrote to my friend Jamie (boy) after he said he couldn't convieve me looking professional (well after a few years of lifeguarding and me wearing a bikini everyday, I don't blame him).

"Alica has totally conquered the buisness casual look. Today she sports a lovely knee length black skirt, which mermaid like design compliments her curvaceous bottom. It is complimented with a white knit tip which keeps her cool yet professional and stylist- and ofcourse with the new necklace and bracelets which now seem to go with everything. Also she has left her contacts at home, in favour of her youthful red glasses with embody intelligence and style.

This is why I am always late for work."

MOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEYYY

2006-07-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

I got my first paycheque today! It is so exciting! My boss even personally delievered it to my office!!!
Plus, it's un gros montant because it is half of my overall pay.

My boss (manager of the education division here), didn't just hand me a few thousand dollars, but also complimented my work and my project. whew! i hope I didn't blush.

But reality still did manage to slap me across the face today:
I was talking to another collegue about future work plans and she said I was tres gaté to have a paid internship right out of university, and not to expect anything more than 30-35,000 a year for my first six working years. EEk! My family could spend that much on a two week vacation (we almost did this year). She kept saying that it was like that everywhere else except at the National Gallery... she made me want to steal her job! Why can't I just stay on here for a while?

My co workers have created one of the most positive work environments that I've ever had the chance to experience. Or maybe they are just being nice to me because I am the rookie.

that's.. stunning?

2006-07-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, after hitting up Goodlife for the first time (with my trainer! ) I met up with Vimla and hit up a bar. On Elgin St but the name escapes me now.. While walking back we asked some security looking dude if the street was "sketchy". he then explained to us that the best way to get rid of sketchy guys was to get a stun gun, because that is what he got for his sister. As he said "It might be questionably legal, but if you blast a guy in the nuts with a stun gun, he won't touch anyone or himself for a week"

Bonjour, comment ca va? You have reached the desk of A. Cherry, at the National Gallery of Canada...

2006-07-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in waaaaaaay too long. I meant to after my first day of work, but on Tuesday night I was saved from the boredom of an evening alone and went out to see "The Devil Wears Prada" with the few friends that I do have in Ottawa. And yesterday night, after a long weekend with the family in Ottawa and the stress of starting a new job, I crashed. Last night, I went to bed early and watched TV. I guess voluntarily going to bed at 10 and wake up at 7 means I am officially no longer a student. Honestly, I am happy to have the strindent routine of 9-5. In university I missed the regular routine that high school offered.. especially because I thought it was a challenge to get out of bed in the morning, unless there really was something special. Then again, I did have a consistent routine while in France, althought it was, to be honest more of a go to bed at 2am and get up at 1030am routine. A routine isn't only heathly but can promote productivity, and set good eating habits. Ofcourse people can say that routines may become a trap, but so far, as long as there is a moderate amount of flexibility in your routine, I can only view it as being a new positive part of my life here.

My first day was overwhelming. Ofcourse I got lost trying to find the employee entrance at the National Gallery and was 15 mins late even if I had been looking for where to go for 25 minutes. I then met all the people with who I had been comunicating over email and the phone with, the head of HR, my future supervisor and then all of the people in the education department (I am still working on all their names). Then my supervisior Monique, gave me a tour of the bowels of the Gallery. I saw where the art came in, where the conservation labs were, where collections were stored, security, IT area... Yes, the security at the Gallery is pretty good, you need an electronic security pass to go everywhere (I just got mine yesterday!). Then, Monique showed me to my office. Yes, I got my very own office, and I assure you that it is bigger than my first res room was. Although right now it looks more like a monk's cell. This ofcourse means that I have my own phone and computer. Unfortunately my view is not one that looks onto the canal, but only the curators seem to get that privilege. The only unfortunate part about my office is it's location, which is away from my supervisor and the Education department (who I'm working for) and across from the washroom. I everyone seems to visit me on their way to the washroom! (but no, I do not hear flushing sounds all day).
Yesterday I got a tour of the National Gallery Library, which has an astounding view and collection.

On my third day, I would say that I am still shocked that everyone that I have met (so far) has been remarkably nice and welcoming. I've even met Anne Thomas, the curator of photography - we had a lovely discussion over lunch on Tuesday and I realised that some of my readings last year were written by her. So there have definitely been some geeky art history moments.

One thing that did bring me back to a less popular time in my life : the cafeteria. Yesterday, I hadn't made plans with anyone for lunch, so I walked in alone to the cafeteria and asked people who i had vaguely met that day to sit with them. It turned out to be fine, but I hope to make new friends soon here! Atleast I am friendly with the cashier at the cafeteria (like most museum cafeterias it is quite nice), and I get an employee discount. Today was another day, and my secondary supervisor, the ever energetic Megan, "set me up" with another summer student so that I wouldn't have a lonely lunch.

This weekend will certainly not be a lonely one. Claire, Dave and Majid are coming up to Ottawa! Unfortunately I won't have the things I believe helped me get friends (a pool and my dad the BBQ King), but they'll have to love me without those perks this summer!

Now I am off to hand in my first assignment (yeah, I was writting this along with typing up my assignment this morning!) - let's hope they don't think they made the wrong choice of intern!

singing in the rain. or not quite.

2006-05-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

Crazy weather tonight made me bail on my plans to meet up with a friend.

After crazy amounts of family time I spent the night alone at home and watched Hollywood/Bollywood.

Good times on my couch. By myself.

end of the debate

2006-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Seems I can't go to grad next week anyways because of problems with a credit and an extra transfer credit. Maintenant je suis frustree que j'ai pas meme pas le choix! Oh, merde. C'est la vie, eh?

I worked this weekend and it was a lot of fun. I really enjoy my part time job - teaching first aid can definitely be frustrating at times, but this weekend almost didn't feel like work. I hadn't done a course since December, but I wasn't too rusty. One thing I love about my job is that it makes me feel so useful.

The weather seems to be a marker for my social life as well. After close to 3 weeks of nothing, I had a great time this weekend.

here's to things going well. :)

graduation.

2006-05-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

So, I am torn as to whether I should attend my graduation or not.

Right now, I don't have any desire too at all. And in general I am not one to see the importance in mere ceremony. Much like how I don't see the point in having a wedding, but having a successful long term relationship/marriage. What I have achieved over the past 4 years and where I have failed have marked many rites of passage. I don't know what I will get out of the Queen's chaplin hooding me during a ridiculously long ceremony on June 2nd.
The bigger dilema for me is that my brother's high school graduation is on the same day. He's been at TFS for 12 years now, he's got a chance for a sports scholarship etc... so overall his day seems more significant. For me, him leaving TFS will also mark the end of TFS for me. And he's off to Queen's next year, so I will be back there to visit without a doubt. June 2nd marks not only the end of undergrad, but also the end of my connection with my old highschool. Yes, this might seem like I am suffering from acute nostalgia... but it would be naive to say that TFS has not played a big role in my life and that, mostly due to my brother, I have remain connected to many of the people there for the past 4 years. And thanks to him, I will remain connected to the Queen's bubble, once he goes there in September.

If I go to my graduation I'll be taking my mom away from his. She claims she doesn't really care either way, and that I have a right to my own graduation - but somehow without my Dad and brother there it seems like a waste to go at all.

But, what about regret?
Oh, yeah. I don't do that.

2006-05-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

so the honeymoon isn't over yet.
soon after my last post I was sick for almost a week, and it was terrible.
I thanked my parents and called them "mommy" and "daddy" - when that happens you know I am really sick. After that week I was painfully aware of where my right kidney is situated (part of my sickness was a kidney infection) and aware taht I might have perished if it hadn't been for my family.
I haven't really been on the computer much since, because really, my head still hurts a little and the screen bothers my eyes.

last night was quite fun.
maj and claire came by and we played Lyon monopoly.
I had a great time even if claire seemed to get bored after the first 2 hours.

I must say I was happy to stay in, no matter how dorky it sounds.

oh yeah, that and I can't get drunk till my antibiotics are done!

2006-05-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

I might be speaking too soon, but so far - all is quiet on the homefront.

It's nice to be home. I think I almost missed it. Then again, I spent no time at home this term except for 4 days during feb break, where I was gone 3.5 of those days to NYC, and then 2 days for easter.
Good food, company and lots of space.

Let's see how long the honeymoon lasts.
I'm taking bets already.

you say hello, and i never say goodbye...

2006-04-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I moved out of my little apartment on King St. East in Kingston, marking an end of undergrad. It also marks the end of complete freedom and independence as I have now moved back into my parent's house in North York.

The move has proved to be relatively anti-climatic. I wasn't so emotional about leaving, almost relieved. Walking around campus the last few days, I felt the same way as I did at the end of level 5 - that it was time to move on, and there was really no reason to feel sad. Sure, I'll miss my favorite people, but I'm not too concerned as I know I'll see them all again soon as many people have planned to move to Toronto. And for the rest of them - Toronto is only 2 hours away from Kingston, how much easier can it get?

This is not at all how I felt leaving France last year. It was choatic, I was alone, and both very sad and very happy. I was fine until I was on the plane half way to Toronto, and then I started bawling loudly, in the middle of the plane. Alone on a plane realising I was leaving one of the happiest times of my life. The stewardess and everyone stared at me for a bit and handed me kleenex hoping I'd just shut the fuck up, because a crying adult on a plane is more annoying than a crying baby.

So this not how things happenned this time around. And when my mom started the "you're going to have to be more of an adult now that undergrad is over and you are 21" speech I did the mature thing and zoned out.

I did something else that made me question my maturity - I completely avoided saying goodbye to everyone. Because I don't like saying goodbye, and I don't think it is selfish to do so... it's avoiding unnecessary drama. I perfer saying "see you soon". And when I am drunk, I end up kissing everyone on the mouth saying how much I will miss them (well atleast I did in France).
And sometimes I cry when saying goodbye - worst one was probably when Jane was leaving Canada and going back to England...
But ultimately I am not a fan of saying goodbye, it seems too final and mostly unnecessary in our age of communication.

2006-04-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

Late night at library + booty call = great night

that is all.

how to dig yourself into a shit hole, part 1

2006-04-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, as past posts have revealed I wasn't very good at organising myself this term.

Still catching up on everything I am supposed to do this term.
Fun times in the library.

Fuck, I miss France.

2006-04-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I studied in the medical sciences library, big fucking deal.
One arts student surrounded by med students and med student wannabees.

Now, what seems to be happenning to my lovely art library? Oh, right, it's being taken over by the science kids.
You guys have buildings to yourselves. go there. stop stressing me out with your orgo textbooks, you don't belong here!

No art history kids in the art library. nope. because the science kids invaded and set up shop.
those jerks.

music and memory part deux

2006-04-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

Study that related music and memory in the elderly with demetia:
http://qnc.queensu.ca/story_loader.php?id=43e3b95db4b63

Yeah, so make me listen to songs of my youth once I'm old and I'll get to relive my memories alll over again.
even if they will have been changed by time and perception, they'll still be there.. somewhere.

2006-04-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

"I could use a man, a drink or a massage. Or a drunk massage from a man" - Sarah Oh on Grey's Anatomy.

Yes, exactly.

Who knew the library could be this stressful?

Politically Incorrect with a.cherry

2006-04-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

A line from my essay (a book review of Kedouri's Nationalism)

"Herder’s poem ‘To the Germans’ ressembles the sentiments that a Quebecer language officer might have for presence of the English language in his province"

Note that a line from Herder's poem is :“Spew out the ugly slime of the Seine"

I showed this to Kent and he claimed that it was ok, but bordered on politically incorrect. I disagree. I think it's perfectly acceptable.

---

Does anyone miss the show "Politically Incorrect with Bill Mahr"?
I do.

false alarms?

2006-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

I mentioned something in a past post about being more hopeful 4 years ago than I am now. I hope this doesn't mean that I am jaded in anyway - it seems too stereotypical to be jaded in your 20s. One thing I have noticed as a change in my age group over the past four years:
people haver become more willing to open up and become friends with different types of people that they might not have considered to in high school.
A perfect example of this is my friend Kent (who I met this year). It's really hard to do Kent justice when describing him - but everyone understands the way I describe him once they meet him. Here's a try: Kent only moved to Canada (from Hong Kong) when he was 12, so he still has a bit of an accent but it's charming really. He's a short asian guy who somehow exudes authority (kind of like a chinese Napolean with a sense of humour) and says extremely offensive things but they end up being funny. For example: He went up to my friend Marie last year and told her "we went to high school together but I didn't talk to you because I used to hate white people". Good one Kent.
now they are good friends.
and I am also friend with Kent even if he tells me things like "Art history is history for girls, go get a real degree".

anyways...
what i am trying to say that it seems that by university the supposid "cliques" of high school or whatever have broken down and no one really gives a shit if you are a jock, a nerd, a spoit brat, or a slut. Or all of the above.
Unless you go to Queen's then there is the AMS clique.
I find that at our age we seem to genuinely care for our friends, by creating a secondary family nucleus with a group, or many groups.

Where I see people my age getting lazy is when it comes to dating and relationships. This is an area where I see too many people have become jaded. Many people seem to avoid complication by "getting attached" or "getting emotionally involved" and "keeping it simple" by casually dating and well, just fucking around.
Ok, so I am part of this category. I am lazy too. Sometimes I really don't care and I'm sick of holding my extra pillow to cuddle with.
But the saddest consequence to all this laziness are the "emotional false alarms". Maybe it is just a girl thing... I don't know..
But you know that feeling when you meet someone, you chat for a while, and you think "I'd like to get to know them better" and you do and well... you lose interest becuase they don't seem to be trying at all to get to know you? Or, they are like you and just, well, lazy. And you might have had a few good dates/naked sleep over parties.. but then you just get busy?

I call them emotional false alarms caused by laziness.

Then again, if you like them doens't always mean you have to date them... they can just become part of your big group of friends.. along with all the nerds/jocks/spoilt brats... except they will forever be in the slut category.

wake me up when september comes? or not.

2006-04-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Here is what I am not looking forward to once I graduate: la rentree. That week in September when all everyone talks about is going back to school, all the ads on tv are about school supplies and there are signs everywhere that read "going back to school (sale)".
For the first time since I was 3, I will no longer be part of that demographic.
There will be no need to buy virgin notebooks, unused pens and convince myself that 'this year' I will do better, I will be more organised, I will be as smart on paper as I look.
This will summer, will most probably be my last "summer holiday", unless I eventually become a teacher or go live in Europe and indulge in a yearly 7 week vacation.
In September I will get a brisk kick in the ass from reality. What could be more unsettling than breaking with 18 years of the same routine?
I think I'll only realise in September that now I have to somehow be an adult, or atleast responsible, achieve something. Atleast before my 5 year high school reunion the next spring.

people i want to strangle.

2006-04-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

"It's too sunny"
someone said this in the Common Ground today. ( Common Ground is the student run coffee/sandwhich place wherea few students, including myself attempt to study when the library is too full of posers.)
IT ISN'T TOO SUNNY!!! It's the most pleasant time of the year!!! What is wrong with this person - do they miss thechilling month of December, the deep freeze of January, the Depressing grey of Februrary? The moody tease that isMarch? I sure don't. April is lovely - rain, but not too much, warm breeze on some days without the sticky feelingof July. You're only allowed to say it is too sunny after having a second degree burn on your back and it's early July and you can't wear a bra anymore. Or if you have sun stroke. Only then.

I live in a generation of professional whiners.

Growing up...

2006-04-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm at home for the easter weekend...

It's Easter Sunday, so this morning we all went to church.

Now it's almost 330pm and I'm at home alone supposed to be doing school work. Yup, I have an essay due tomorrow.

Ok. not the point of why I am writtin this...
So a while ago I asked my mom why she never bought cd's or really listened to music. Being my mother she gave me a curious response - that she hated listening to music once it was outdated because she attached too many memories to certain songs and that is precisely why she hates music from the 70s. Alright, so we all attach music and memories, but to the point of avoiding certain types of music and saying that CDs are a waste of money?

I picked up an old CD (The Strokes' 2002 This is it) because my newer ones are all back in Kingston.
I haven't listened to this cd in so long.. I mean a really long time, so I have no idea what made me want to put it in the CD player. And my reaction is almost as emotional as my mother's... well atleast for the first song. This CD reminds me of the end of high school. Last term at TFS actually.. of what I did then, my friends and what we did and other things ofcourse. And now here I am, at the end of university... things have changed but not nearly as much as I thought they would. Here I am again, listening to the same CD in my parents house - thinking of what I will do when I grow up, thinking of boys, of school...
I strangely remember being so hopeful back then. About what I'm not so sure, perhaps for change, for life.

Unlike my mother I kind of like this. my very own retro flashback. to 2002, which really wasn't so long ago.

In Hiding

2006-04-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

I found a place to study where I don't know a soul.
The basement of the Medical sciences library isn't the most comfortable place to study but it is well secluded and damn quiet.
This is my method to not fail my exam on Saturday (Math). I failed it in second year and am now having to do it again. I am not so ashamed of failing as I am ashamed for not having put in enough time this year to get a good mark. I'm borderline again... aaah! why do I do this to myself?

-------

The people are quite differnt here in the medical sciences library. So far, I am rather fond of all of them. They don't stop and chat for 20 mins and in general people are quiet.
The other interesting aspect is that the library is attached to the Hospital building (or atleast one of them). So during my lunch break today I met a very pleasant woman who works for Roche.. we discussed getting a job after grad and how to find a balanced way of life... At 30 she seemed relatively happy with the state of things and she still looked good (pretty, put together etc..) and I almost wondered outloud how I'd be doing once I reached her stage in life (I resisted saying 30) - and she told me to do everything that I wanted to do now and so I wouldn;t regret anything once I reached her age, and then she said 30. And then she opened up to mea bout what she regreted having not done...
And then I went back to study math.
Like I should now.

School's out!

2006-04-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

Here is what made me realise that I am done school here : I have no more classes to skip.
Such wonderful logic. It will get me places I am sure.

Today I am actually studying (ie catching up on late work and assignments). How am I achieving this? Well, I have discovered a wonderful place today : the medical sciences library. It is closer to my house than Stauffer (the main campus library), I don't know anyone here, it is quieter and has a nice view.

Yesterday I didn't even get a library.. somehow i wasted a lot of time at home until I had a dinner party to go to at 8. Perhaps that was due to the fact that I woke up early (830!) after having been respectably smashed the night before and got home at 3am. I went out for a lovely brunch by myself (because no one I knew was awake except for Cat and Natalia, both who punked out of it on me) at a time warp called Morrison's. I sat there with my Saturday Globe and ate my bacon, eggs and toast. It was absolutely lovely.

2006-03-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of school work to catch up on.
I have been really sick.
I'm graduating.

And I don't give a shit about a lot of things anymore.

I didn't show up to my office hours for peer advising this week. I didn't show up to do a tour at the art centre either.
I just really don't care anymore.
I am tired of commitments and spreading myself too thin.

Sure it doesn't make me feel great about myself or make me feel fulfilled but really I've reached a breaking point.
There is just so much pressure from different sources that I can take.

It's true, I need to stay postive. make lists.. whatever... but to do that I feel like I have to let certain things slide... I haven't really been impressed with myself this year, I was more on top of things last year. And then again, I had more time on my hands...

But what I have learnt is to remember my limits - I can't do everything I want too. Or atleast not all at once.
my friends have been my best support group (as vim likes to say) and I think I need them all now more than before.

This really is the final stretch of undergrad and I feel like I just need a little encouragement to help push me along. . .

--warning... rant ---

I was really excited to do the docent (tour guide) program at the Agnes Etherington Art Centre on campus this year.. but this term... I just haven't cared that much for it. The woman who runs it is an unappreciative, cold bitch who never shows us much appreciation for all of our work. When I asked her to write a reference letter last week for me she acted like it would be such an inconvenience for her.
I can't stand her and unfortunately this has reflected on my performance in the program.
I'll show up late, or not show up.. and then she will just get more mad at me.
I feel like this has been my first experience with a really bad boss... I had no idea until now how it would reflect on my performance.
Sure, I feel a little guilty because I actually love doing the programs - but I hate the woman in charge.
And I rarely hate people.

--------------

2006-03-26T20:37:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine on Friday night (actually while doing our stage makeup for dance show) where we confessed to each other our preoccupation with death...
It seems such a taboo for people our age. We will talk about sex so explicitly that that the mystery is taken out of it and yet... no one dare speak of death, be it theirs or anyone's they know.

Ever since I was young, it is something I have thought about, it's implications, it's presence in our lives and the unavoidable nature of our own deaths. I think I've thought more about death than love. Only because I thought love to be even more frightening than death. And yet, it seems like both are unavoidable. I don't think about death because I want to die, just because I have known so many people who have... or so it seems, there always seems to be someone else dying that I know of. And I've been to more frunerals than marriages...

And in thinking about death, I think a lot about time.. yes, it seems I am always late - but strangely I never mean to be... and yet, even if I cherish time I seem to waste a lot of it.

on a completely different note...
I've been avoiding relationships for a while now. They didn't seem worth the time and effort.
Recently I've been feeling the desire for a new one.. not that I know anyone that I want to be with, I just think if I meet the right person I wouldn't brush them off as I have for quite some time - in the past year I've done all that is possible to keep all my "liasons" as casual as possible.
I don't know if I'm sick of the casualness or I've just forgotten about the negative aspects of relationships.

what are you lookin' at?

2006-03-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

I have done my stage make up so many times in the past 2 weeks that I have forgotten how to donormal daily makeup.
This weekend there was the Queen's Dance Club recital (4 performances - Thurs, Friday, 2 on Saturday) And Today the Indian Dance Team performed at the Indian Canadian Alliance Hertiage Show. Afterwards I went to A&P and I forgot I had full stage makeup.
Some people looked at me horrified.
Sure, it make me look like a tart, but a pretty one!

Perhaps excessive liquid eyeliner should become a part of my makeup regimen...

A Fine Balance

2006-03-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest problems at Queen's has always been to find balance with everything that I do... And I recently this has been slipping. I feel like somone at a buffet dinner who has put too much on their plate and then feel sick after eating too much, and then still has some left on their plate.
I'm beginning to feel constantly drained and this is really a bad feeling. I'm starting to get so nervous that it is hard to fall asleep at night, or even eat properly, because I know I have time for nothing. Even to go to the doctor's now when I am feeling more sick that I have in a long long time.
It's almost the same feeling as going with with too many people at once and always making them feel second place in in your life because you don't have enough time for any of them and you don't know how to choose.
I seem to be disappointing everyone recently.
Especially myself.

A recent correspondence with Mr. T

2006-03-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

From: RICHARD TREMBLAY
Subject: Punta Cana
Date: Sun, 19 Mar 2006 17:05:43 -0500 (EST)

Cath : Have arrived. Weather perfect - as expected. Very big resort. Trying to find all the restaurants. Mom and I will go see place on bay of Quinte on the 31st.

Alex: Jim says all is fine . Lots of bars. You woould like the guys on the beach - too bad - your dad.

See you soon

--- and my response, sent today ---

Dear Richard,

Have fun in the sun with your big Tilley hat.

Make sure the boys don't do anything too stupid (ie anything I'd do) and that my mom doesn't run off with someone named Jose or Jesus.

As for Jim and Jan, my guess is that they are being their pleasant selves - so send a "hola" to them from me.

I'm stuck in Kingston in the cold and with a cold. Tell my dad I much rather be on the beach with the eye candy on the beach he spoke of.

Be careful not to drink to many mojitos, those things really do hit you faster than you might think.

Adios,
Alex

(If I am going to be left out of a tropical family vacation, then I have the licence to send such emails.
PS. I totally love my dad for telling richard to write that)

zzzzzzz....

2006-03-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

so tired i am now skipping class that starts at 230pm!

ode to my beloved ring

2006-03-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

If any of you are at all perceptive, you might have noticed that I've worn a small blue ring on my right middle finger for about the past year and a half...
And yesterday it broke in the most unlikely fashion, I didn't even see it coming... One minute it was there and then the next part of it had broken off (mind you I had just done a kartwheel) but really, it has been through worse. You wear something for so long, it becomes part and you and then *bam* it's broken.
The worst was when I took it off... being the cheap 2$ chinatown ring that it was it SLICED ALL ALONG MY FINGER! what kind of ring does that to you after you ditifully wear it will every type of outfit, if it matches or not. The damn thing made me bleed, and I took it to Europe! And now it even hurts to bend my finger. Is that all it will leave me with? The phantom feeling of a ring a a massive paper-like cut alll the way along my right middle finger.
I even wondered where it was when I was in the shower and none of my hair got caught in it...
And I find myself with nothing to keep my hands busy...

Oh, my cheap-but-lovely-chinatown ring, I shall miss you... I feel like a part of me broke when you broke too... I won't be able to even think of trying to get another ring for sometime now.. I will cherish all the times we have had together.

*tear*

more time wasting fun

2006-03-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

here are two wonderful links only to use if you wish to waste away a few minutes of your precious life.

http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html/wonders_of_email.shtml

http://www.ryantown.com/gayboyfriend/

enjoy!

just dance...

2006-03-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

When I joined the Indian Dance Team I had no idea that it would entail 12 hour practices on Sundays and then 4 hour daily practices the week before the competition.
My body has gotten past the point of being in pain and now I seem to have reached a new level of atheleticism.. or endurance... I don't know, but overall I feel great. Even if it looks like I limp when I walk, I'm fine, really...
In my ideal world, I would dance every day.. and perform! Fuck Art history I should have taken Drama.

It baffles a few of my friends that I don't get nervous with public speaking/performing, and only get ridiculously nervous at exams... because you can't really talk your way out of those.

Anyways.. back to dance.
the SAA show is this Saturday at the Hershey Centre.
And my family is coming, they will be surrounded in a sea of brown faces!

(also when I first looked up SAA, South Asian Alliance, on the internet I got Sex Addicts Anonymous... oh the internet)

---
on a random note,
would you all mock me if I bought Madonna's new CD?

2006-03-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you know that strange feeling when all your friends think someone is really really hot but you just don't see it?
Well I feel that way about James Blunt's voice. Really, the song "Beautiful" or whatever, it gets on my nerves. His voice irks me.
And a lot of people seem to think he is good looking.
I don't get it.

Then again, i can criticize all I want, but I don't have a hit song or cd...

.. on another note...
I really am not a fan of my housemates. so I didn't chose to live with the people who are in my house... it is a house divided in apartments. With one thermometer. And our apartment is colder than the others. so we turn up the temp to about 22-23. They then turn it down to about 15.

It was a silent war until about today.

When I was confronted by my downstairs neighbour, by msn. yup, that's right. msn. his girlfriend is living with them and they have parties and play music late at night. they're weird and i don't like them.

and because it hasbeen realised what is going on - us turning it up, and those cheap asses turning it down... they confronted me about natalia and i having to pay for all the extra oil that has been consumed to keep the house at a normal temperature.

Ugh.

Really, those are the guys who have almost been evicted 3 times. So if I get the landlord into it... well then problem solved in my favour, eh?

Some people canbe so cheap.
shessh. don't go to the bars for one night and you'll be able to pay your bills. i swear.

2006-03-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

some of my favorite recent quotes:

"sometimes i feel like a gay man stuck in a woman's body, but I am happy to be here" - me

"lip gloss... it is like she is painting on a welcome mat" - life as we know it

Also, I think that hooking up with people that were once with people with strange fetishes is so weird.
So I made myself cookies at 4 in the morning.

1/7 of your life is spent on Mondays

2006-03-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

I don't do Monday mornings.

double feature? or double failure!

2006-03-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah so my double booking fell through.
Honestly I wasn't in the mood to see either of them as I have to be at dance practice by 9 am tomorrow morning. But even if I didn't want to see them doesn't mean that I didn't want a call to meet up as was planned.
Who calls to confirm that they will call the next day and then doesn't call?
And who messages you twice times that day to confirm that you can meet up with them that night and then they don't call?

WHO WHO?!

oh, that is right.
A and S.
I bet they both feel asleep with thoughts of my fabulousness in their minds. Perhaps they will awake at 3am dazed and confused to why they are such non-calling-charming-alex-fuckwits. Or they forgot completely.

Otherwise I had an amazingly pleasant evening sans stupid garcons. Went to the "Ultimate Dinner" organised by Kent, where a wide array of friends showed up to Curry Original for a fun filled evening of good Indian Food. Marie and I even had a camera face off by stealing each other's cameras and seeing who could make the best pictures. We are such dorks but we have so much fun. At the Brass we all felt out of place due to the semi formal attire requested by crazy Kent - so instead we went to Bubble Tea. Where we fell upon a Chinese sports magasine with pornographic pictures of a Chinese figure skater, and pics of a guy's head between her naked legs with the label "intense training makes her more sensitive to her boyfriend's touch" !! haha.
What a good time.
Also as it is exclusively tfsers who read this thing.. interestingly my friend's boyfriend's friend was visiting from Western. And his girlfriend lives with Sabrina. Yeah, so we gossiped it was amusing for both of us because we held the same opinion of her and we were initially trying to be polite about it.

So I was right, I am going to bed alone. But at 2am not at midnight... not too far off!
AH! Dance practice tomorrow at 9am!

2006-03-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am double booked for tonight.

I've decided I'll hang out with/get drink/bring home whichever one I am in the mood for.

Why wasn't this last night! I have to be up early tomorrow morning. argh.

I feel like I am seeing both Seth and Ryan (from the OC) at the same time.. actually that is a good way to describe them.

Watch neither of them call.

I'll be home alone in bed by midnight.

2006-03-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

Funniest thing I have read in a while:

Girl: For lent, I'm giving up chocolate and Facebook.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/004635.html

2006-02-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

On another note...
ok so i was on a role for a while.. but really boys are annoying as hell. really. i feel like some needs to slap them into shape.
Or my expectations need to be lower.
I don't know.

Basically it is cold here and I want someone consistently to sleep over and keep me warm.
Is that so wrong?

2006-02-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I impress myself with my spurts of intellectual energy.
where do they come from?
how can I get a bottle of intelloenergy please?
thank you!

Like last night I got a thesis and essay concept together pretty fast for my presentation this morning... which went remarkably well considering my lack of preparation. Perhaps it is my comfort with public speaking that allow me to pull stuff like that off.

Hm, maybe I should have done debating or model parliment stuff. oh well!

2006-02-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

ok so I have my MATH 121 (dec) exam to write on Monday - because I had to deferred from last term. That means that I have been spending the weekend in a ghost town ie Ktown while most people have gone home for reading week already. no, I am not pissed about it. I cherish completely alone time. What makes it better is that my downstairs neighbours are gone too - so it's been quiet. I've been alone in the apartment since Wednesday morning... and I really haven't minded being alone this time. Last time it was in decemeber during a bad part of my then depression, where being alone didn't foster anything positive. It is strange to think back at how upset and down I was at that time... and a lot of people didn't really notice how bad it was. well, I didn't really tell many people either. It is strange to look back at the changes in yourself and how fast they can occur - I guess now I am just more myself than I was last term. It's like regaining control, and lossing it is such a frantic scary feeling.
Being alone allows for a certain level of introspection which you can otherwise be denied. I've only understood recently why people might rent cottages in the middle of no where to go by themselves. The luxury of solitude.
Back to this weekend... anyway I mostly slept away Friday and part of Saturday... it was like I was hibernating... so exhausted after these past 6 weeks, in such a good way. Kind of like how you feel after a good workout.
But it also took me those 2 days to really wake up... to what I am not sure.. Yes I had two largely lethargic days but what really made me get busy late today was when I asked myself the question "what would my 16 year old self think of my 21 year old self?" That kind of worked as a kick in the ass.. just to do things.. so i've done mundane things like clean the apartment, put pics up, finish my wash, clean my room.. and somehow i've never felt so productive. I feel like I owe myself something... like I have to live up to who I had wanted to be, as successful as I wanted to be... I won't write out my entire internal dialogue but mostly it acted as me realising that I have come a long way and still have room for improvement, I felt like I was doing a self-evaluation of how I was living my life. In some areas I have surprised myself and other parts I need to refind, to rebuild and rework. Such as discipline and determination. I never let things slide before.. I seem to now a bit more and I don't like it..
so I did those things I ahve wanted to do for a while.. like put up pictures, calendars, set up my comp...
and now i feel great.

plan for tomorrow is to work and study and have time to watch grey's anatomy. that is my goal. let's hope I stick to it!

2006-01-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

my mom text messaged me to say that she met paul martin today and that she had a picture taken with him. she gets excited like a little kid about that kind of stuff, it's adorable. I later talked to her on msn and she kept going on and on about how nice he was and that she hopes we have another national leader from quebec. thankfully she didn't mention gilles d. :)

on another note completely, it is the annual school girl and principal party at the cheerfrat. thankfully heather is single again, so we will be on the prowl... maybe jon the male cheerleader will actually make a move this time! Or I'll just find someone else. In any case there will be Sammie at the party saturday - so hopefully this won't be a lonely weekend! ;)

2006-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

Feeling miles away from where I was at the beginning of december.
Cheers to 2006 !

the year when i intend to put myself first.
but that doesn't mean self-indulgence..

more self-discipline.
more self-motivation.
self-determination.

and hopefully

less self satisfaction.
hhahahahha.

2006-01-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

So my whole being happy to be home thing just ended it.
I want out.
and fast.

lost

2005-12-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

i am nothing but a delicate creature lost in an urban wilderness.

2005-12-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

I just realised today that my year in France is starting to feel far away... and for the first time I don't necessarily wish that I was there now.

But at the same time I am afraid I will forget the important things. even the little things.
I almost feel like I don't have enough to remind me.
In a way I feel like it was the end of one of the most important relationships of my life. To leave that is. Leaving France was like breaking up with the love of my life.
Am I going crazy?

Maybe this is how I will feel about Queen's in a year... who knows?

first post.

2005-11-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

And So I decided that starting a new blog would be key to document this year.
The fun times and the long hours at the library.
And the second is sadly the state of my life at this moment!
I will also backtrack and include photos and stories of this year up to date... as well as my attempts to trying to fit in at Queen's.

P.S. I totally forgot the words to the Oil Thigh!